I'm In Love...

Noie just turned three-months-old on Easter Sunday. Three months may not seem like a very long time, but I honestly can't remember what it felt like without her in my life. Our little family just feels all the more complete with sweet little Anjali in it.

I barely remember what it felt like to be like this...



Taken 1/23/11 @ 11:17pm -- just before we left for the hospital

 It's hard to imagine there's a tiny person in there, isn't it? That the curve of my belly actually follows the sweet curve a teeny, tiny back. Motherhood is surreal in that sense, I suppose.  Two separate human beings are one for an extraordinary moment in time. Sometimes I forget that the tiny fingers I kiss with my lips are the same fingers that once tickled my insides not too long ago. I guess I never really appreciated that concept until Anjali was born.



Taken just seconds after she was born.

 Noie is quite possibly the first newborn that I've ever truly had the opportunity to appreciate. Now, before you think I'm a bad mother for admitting this, let me explain. I turned 21-years-old the day Kevin was born which means I was very young and naive. I was so overwhelmed with adapting to motherhood that I never really got to fully absorb the beauty of those first few days with my first son. When Anthony was born just 25 months later, I was distracted by trying to learn how to care for two cubbies instead of one. My Ethan was only home for a few short days and then he was gone. And lastly, Niki was in the NICU for several weeks after she was born so I didn't have much time alone with her.

I really didn't have the time to absorb it all.

Maybe it's because I'm little older and more mature now. Or maybe it's just a culmination of everything that has happened in the past three years. Or perhaps it's even because she looks so much like Ethan. Whatever it is, Noie's birth has made me appreciate motherhood on a whole different level. It has finally dawned on me that motherhood isn't only about doing, but it's about feeling, too. I'm more conscious of sensations and marveling at things like never before.

This must be what it's like to see the world with new eyes. To feel the world with new skin. To smell the world with new senses. To trust the world with a new heart.

This is what complete trust looks like...

This is what our family has become...

This precious girl is ours...

It feels like nothing else exists when she's sleeping on my chest. I'm at total peace when her downy hair caresses my cheek while I breathe in the delicate, rythmic puffs of her breath. It makes my heart melt.

Words can't describe how beautiful motherhood is, but this slide show comes pretty close to how wonderful it feels to have Noie in my life. The photos were taken by Kim of Super Kimagery. She's a such a talented photographer, and I highly recommend her newborn session if you live here in the Bay Area. (Thank you Kim for capturing such a special moment and for sharing a song that I now consider part of the "soundtrack of my life.")

I wish I could embed this slide show, but please do click the link below. I hope that every mother has the chance to fall in love with their baby as much as I have with mine.

www.superkimagery.com/noie

God is good.

I've Missed You, Blogger.

Okay, so I lied.

This post is not about my oh-so-yummy NoieGirl & why I think she's the best thing since sliced bread. And no, this is not a post about Noie's birth-day & John's "birth partner fails." And no, this is not a post about everything that hasbeen going on with our den since friggin' NOVEMBER!!

No, this post is about how much I miss writing.

As God as my Witness, I swear I'll get to all of those posts eventually. But right now? No. Right now I need to vent. I recently discovered Blogger's MMS blogging feature so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I spend most of my time fiddling with my iPhone while I nurse anyway, so why not, right?

It's been months since I've had the time to actually sit down and write a post though. Even my HemAware blog has suffered, and that my friends, SUCKS! I miss writing!!! I miss feeling the soothing warmth of my laptop on my legs. I miss pounding out my frustrations on the keyboard. I miss being up-to-date with this blog. I hate that I have such a huge backlog of stories to document.

I foolishly thought maternity leave would allow me more time to play catch-up, but I was utterly and completely WRONG! On the contrary, I have zero time for myself these days. I don't even know who I am anymore. And usually I'm so...together.

Quite frankly I've had a hell of a time adjusting physically, hormonally, and emotionally to this new lifestyle of ours. I've developed a superwoman complex so it's hard for me to even admit that I'm crumbling from the pressure. I've spread myself too thin, burned the candle at both ends, and bit of more than I could chew many times before and I've NEVER faltered.

I'm what I call a "functional wreck."

These days it's a challenge to be the old me -- to meet the demands that I used to so effortlessly. I'm still doing okay -- I meet a majority of my daily goals -- but I've noticed myself slipping in other areas. I just want to be superwoman again, you know? I'm working on it, and I'll write about that journey sometime soon, too.

But for now, I just needed to write.

My Little Bunny...

She's quite possibly the first cubbie I've ever truly enjoyed. I'll explain why in my next post...

Support Please!

We are celebrating World Hemophilia Day one day early. Tomorrow morning my team, Lucky Factor Seven, is walking in memory of Ethan & in support of Niki. Please consider donating today. We're fundraising to raise awareness for the bleeding disorders community.

Believe it or not, $7 to raise awareness for Factor VII Deficiency will go a long way!

Here's the link to my
team page:
http://my.e2rm.com/TeamPage.aspx?langPref=?EventID=62450&LangPref=en-CA&TeamID=203917

Thank you for your support!

The Littlest Lion Arrives

Here's my HemAware post for 3/23. (I've been on a blog hiatus with them too.) I'm slowly readjusting to our new lifestyle so "follow" or keep checking back. More posts to come! In my next post, I'll dish all the dirty details about Noie's birth day. It goes beyond golf, ya'll. ;)

The Teaser Tweet. 

http://www.hemaware.org/blogs/diary-hemomom/littlest-lion-arrives

In case you missed it, I was miserable during the final weeks of my pregnancy. So, imagine my relief (and pain!) when I realized my baby girl was finally on her way. I wasn’t 100% sure I was in labor at first. My contractions were painful, but inconsistent. This should explain why I let John drive 45 minutes away so he could play a round of golf with his buddy. He was hesitant to go at first, but I was confident that I was just having Braxton Hicks contractions as usual.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but wouldn’t you know it—it became evident my contractions were the real thing just as John started to play his third hole of golf. I’m a pro at this birthing thing, but I was less than enthused when John implied he might as well finish all 18 holes. (Yes, really.)

Before I could react, John quickly retracted his suggestion and sped back home. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt, and I’d like to think he was just pulling my leg. Sure, we still had a few hours before the baby would arrive, but there was no way I was going to experience early labor by myself. I had all three kids home with me, and I cry like a big old baby when I’m in a lot of pain. Besides, we had lots of preparing to do before we left for the hospital.

My Birth Plan

When we discovered Noie was a carrier of factor VII deficiency, I wasn’t entirely clear what our birth plan would be. Noie had my copy of the mutation, so we assumed she wouldn’t be a symptomatic carrier, because I wasn’t one. Call me paranoid, but I was a little uneasy with the idea of not following the hemophilia protocol for labor and delivery. What if some freak error caused my amniocentesis results to be inaccurate? So, after speaking with my obstetrician and Niki’s hematologist, we agreed it would be best to follow the protocol anyway—just in case.

I don’t care how many times I’ve done it—five times, to be exact—but giving birth hurts! I unintentionally gave birth to Niki without any drugs, and there was no way I planned on doing that again. My hat’s off to women who can give birth au naturel, but I’m not one of them. After 13 hours of labor and lots of pain relief, Noie was out in three pushes: seven pounds, three ounces of pure joy! Our youngest daughter, Anjali Noelle (Noie), was born on January 24.

There was a bit of debate on whether Noie needed to have her coagulation labs and factor VII level drawn immediately after she was born. John and I assured the attending pediatrician that our hematologist wanted these tests to be done, but no one seemed to understand why, since she was only a carrier.Niki had a cord blood study done immediately after birth (to prevent being poked) but despite our insistence, they skipped the opportunity with Noie. Later that morning, the pediatrician got in touch with hematology, and of course they wanted the labs to be drawn just as we insisted. (Drawing labs was listed as part of the protocol.) It was too late to test her cord blood, so Noie was sent to the NICU twice to get poked: once to check her factor VII level, and another time to draw her coagulation labs.

Results of the Lab Tests

Everyone assumed Noie would have normal lab results, but to our surprise, her factor level was slightly low at 33%, and her coagulation baseline was ever-so-slightly abnormal. I don’t think anyone was expecting that. John and I were glad we persisted. Had we dismissed the need for labs, we would have never known. Noie had a joint follow-up visit with Niki’s hematologist, and the plan is to check her labs again when she turns 6 months old. We’re hoping her factor VII level will normalize by then.

I know my birth story sounds like a total nightmare, but I was very happy with the doctor and nurse that helped my deliver my baby. They followed the delivery protocol perfectly and were totally supportive and encouraging during my birthing process. And even though there was some confusion on the need for lab tests, I don’t blame the pediatrician, either. We’re dealing with a rare disorder that doesn’t have much clinical data documented, so there’s always room for debate. All in all, John and I were very pleased with the outcome of Noie’s birth day. We were discharged to go home the following day.

Noie is almost 2 months old now, and I honestly forgot how tiring—and expensive—it is to have two little ones in diapers. Kevin just barely turned 2 when Anthony was born. And even though Ethan was only home for three days, Boo was still in diapers when he was born, too!

Nevertheless, John and I are enjoying our newborn daughter and all the pandemonium that comes with having four kids in the house. I’m absolutely in love with my newborn daughter and that “new baby” smell.