Clay...

If you asked me who I was 10 years ago, my answer would be completely different from who I am today. 10, 20, 60 years from now, my answer to that same question will different.

I change...and so do you.

We're all like clay rolling down a hill. We become pitted and marred during our journey. Some hills are relentless. Unmentionables temporarily stick to us, but fall off at the next bounce. While some things become permanently embedded into our "clay". And sometimes, our rough edges are smoothed out when we coast down more forgiving hills.

So if you ask me who I am, I say I'm clay.

I've been rolled down some pretty fucked up hills, but I don't give up. Irefuse to give up. Yes, I'm weary...I'm tired...I'm sad, but I am also tough. And believe it or not, happy. Even though clay is typically associated with being soft and pliable, I perceive my vulnerability as a strength.

I adapt...and so do you.

I've been under a lot of stress lately. I am not perfect, but I strive to be. Sometimes, "balls of clay" roll down the same hill, but move too fast to notice who is rolling right next to them. Life is hard for everyone. And, although I am unable to speak for the "ball of clay" next to me, I can speak for myself. I try so hard to be the perfect mother, wife, family member, friend, employee, student, citizen, etc. Yet, more often than not, I fail. I am less than perfect.

But who is perfect anyway?

I have learned that I need to stop beating myself up for things that I cannot control. Mistakes that I've made have NEVER been some evil ploy to conquer the universe. Some hills are better than others, that's all. And some hills are travelled alone or with someone rolling right beside you.

Half the battle is having the will to keep rolling.

Kevin & The Internet...

I stayed home and studied all day yesterday. John took the kids with him to my mother-in-law's house to give me some peace and quiet. Once they were gone, I dove into my books full force. This obviously led to a very mentally stressful day. At least it was until John and the kids came home. I learned something new about Kev yesterday. Apparently, Kev was using the computer at my mother-in-law's house when visited a questionable website.

And...he got caught.

Now, now, before you get any ideas I should mention that it was NOT porn site. (Thank goodness!) Nah, Kev hasn't accidentally seen one of those sites since he was two. Four years ago, he unknowingly clicked on a link someone had saved on their computer. Despite the fact that he was laughing hysterically at the big booty-jiggling he saw on the screen, he was TWO so I doubted any potential emotional damage would occur. (It was just a girl bouncing her HUGE BUTT so there was no penetrative sex involved. Not as bad as it could have been.) I was more dismissive back then because frankly, how much does anyone remember at that age? But six? Six is a different story. I'm not a prude, but I still heavily monitor Kev's Internet activities. A slip of the finger could wreak havoc on a young, impressionable mind. (And eyes.)

But alas, this was not the case! Kev typed the web address.

I wasn't supposed to know about it at first. John made a fatherly pact with Kevin to "not tell Mommy", but Anthony made sure that he blew their cover. Oh, revenge is a dish best served cold! Boo learned at a young age, I guess. I have a lingering feeling it was payback time for the two-cents Kevin threw in during the Metal Ball of Doom incident. In any case, as soon as they came home Anthony blurted out,

"I'm telling Mommee what you did Kevie."

This is the conversation that followed:

Me: (to John) What did he do?
John: Shh..just forget about it. (Kev scampered out of the room.)
Me: No, what did he do? John, no fair. No secrets when it comes to the kids. No good cop, bad cop stuff. Tell me...what did he do?
Anthony: (Devilishly shifting his eyes & licking his lips.) Kevie went ona website and looked at the girls butts. I sawed him dood it!
Me: Kevin, come here please. (He was eavesdropping outside of our door. He ran in and quickly sat down next to me.) What website did you go on?
Kev: fart dot com (He was looking down.)
Me: What? Where? (I had to stifle my surprised chuckling.)
Kev: fart dot com (He was looking at me with huge, confused eyes.)
Me: WHY??? (I was definitely giggling.)

Now, by this time John was shaking his head and smiling. Laughter is contagious in our household so if either of us "parental units" start to giggle, the other will sure follow. (Pat on my back for being able to keep my composure....NOT!) Relieved that he wasn't on howtokillyourmother.com, I couldn't hide my amusement any longer. I totally lost my "stern Mommy look". Any chance of me appearing as an authoritative figure went completely to shit. (Way to go, Tiff!) Of course, Kev's irresistible dimple emerged once he saw all of the seriousness melt away from my face.

What can I say? The K.I.D. knows my weakness.

Kev: "Well, I'm just really smart..." (his dimple already reached maximum depth)
Me: (I sterned-up a little) I know you're smart, but that website is for adults. You should know better than that. Going on fart dot com is unacceptable. How do you know how to spell fart?
Kev: Well, Ate Ashley showed me....
Me: Well, I don't care who showed you, no more fart dot com. Only educational websites like sprout or noggin. Once you're big and you know everything, then you can go on there. When you're tall like Daddy, then it will be okay. But for now, you're still too little and that's a big-people website. Got it?
Kev: Yes, Mommy.
Me: Anthony, you too, okay?
Anthony: Yes, Mama.

I mean really, what else could I say?

I didn't want to reprimand him for being curious about the opposite sex. It is completely normal, after all. I'm want to raise my kids to have high self-esteem so I try not to instill social stigmas about sex. I said my piece and let it go. (I had a good laugh about it later since this parenting stuff is just plain funny sometimes.) I also made a mental note to make a "motherly assessment" on the content of that website.

I did it today.

School has *momentarily* stopped kicking my ass for the evening. (Just in time for me to blog, yay!) As soon as I got home from school this evening, I moseyed on over to fart dot com. I do not endorse this site, but in case you're interested (and I know some of you are), here at the derrieres that enthralled my six year old son so much:


My son, the "Typical Male". He has his father's taste.

Me & JD....

Many of you already know that JD and I were "high school sweethearts". If you know this, then you should also know that we have always been complete opposites of one another. Always. I'm cheerful, goofy ("birds & flowers" as he likes to call it) and he's....well, kind of mean looking.

When JD was much younger, people weren't very fond of him because of of his "look". As a matter of fact when I first met him, I thought he looked like a total asshole. Definitely not my type of guy. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing appealing about a person who looked at me like this:

Of course, I felt this way about him before I knew who he was. The picture above (where he's taking a drag from a cigarette) was taken just seconds before he cracked a huge smile. I caught him on candid camera and he felt silly. And the "scary eye" picture? Well, I just called his name and he looked at me. He always looks like this.

Things aren't always as they appear.

Regardless of the many bumps we've encountered on our journey together, I am often thankful that I didn't let my eyes decieve me. We celebrated our 11 year anniversary just earlier this month. In these past 11 years, we've shared so many depths of joy and pain together. Oh, what a ride it has been!

I'll love him and the life we're created together until the end of time.

Blood Stuff...

Earlier this week, Niki's nurse case manager called me to report the results of Monday's lab draw. He was happy to report that Niki's INR was 2.5! (They want her number to be between 1-3 so this is good news my friends!) Which of course means that her new factor dose @ 160mcg is doing it's job. I am even happier to report that Niki has had no signs of any new GI bleeds since her dose was increased. She also has an appointment with the GI specialist next week for further work up. I'll keep you posted, of course.

But man, Dr. Awesome is doing a fabulous job with my rare little girl, isn't she?! :)

Speaking of rare...I was working with a pretty, young patient yesterday who so happened to have moderate Hemophilia B! You've heard me say this a thousand times, but hemophilia is RARE, and it's even RARER to have it as a woman. Of course, I turned into a total "groupie" and blurted out that Niki had FVII Deficiency. Naturally, we talked about how rare it is to find other WWBDs. (I've said "rare" a billion times, I know. But, it's true!) Anyway, at the end of our conversation I had to resist the urge to ask her about her period. She was only 23yrs old so I was DYING to know what options her doctors gave her. I maintained my professionalism though and bit my tongue instead.

Despite the fact that I'll be armed with information about sex and managing FVII Deficiency, I'm still nervous about her damn period.

Aunt Flow is already a pain so I can only that hope it's not going to super suck for my baby girl. Even though Niki's period is lightyears away, I still want to be prepared. (Yes, I know, I'm totally type-A.) But....as far as I'm concerned, I'm preparing for a double-whammy when that time finally comes. We're going to have "the talk" and I have to explain to her why she's going to bleed more than her other peers. Most of you already know that I have no problem talking about sex. This obviously means that Niki will be no stranger to age-appropriate sex-stuff and living with a bleeding disorder. But shoot, I'm still a mom and I'm dreading when the day comes!

Maybe things will be different 15 years from now so only time will tell.

I've read that young WWBDs often start taking birth control pills to lighten their periods. I've also heard that periods are tough to deal with. The two women that I met with FVII Deficiency also never had children. I hope the case will be different for Niki. Being the typical father that he is, John thinks that Niki will NEVER date or have sex. Can someone say denial? Nevertheless, it is my hope that my daughter will be "just like everyone else". Sex and all.

Who doesn't want that for their kid?

Boo & The Metal Ball of Doom...

I've been on a "blog hiatus" thanks to livin' "la vida loca". In lieu of studying, I decided to procrastinate by partaking in my virtual therapy instead. So, here I am.

In case you didn't notice, my last couple of entries have been a little dreary. Please accept my apology for sweeping you deep into the ebbs and flows of my emotional tide. If you're reading this, you probably know me "IRL" anyway which means you're clearly aware of the fact that I'm still learning how to cope. In the past 16 months, I've come to realize that grief tends to affect me in "contractions". I'll start feel the pain rise inside of me and just when I don't think I can handle it anymore, the pain slowly subsides. (If you've given birth before, you should know exactly what I'm talking about.)

Deep breath in....and blow it out.

Even though I'll be "in labor" for the remaining years of my life, I am happy to report that I'm feeling a little better these days. :) Although, it could be because I've been so distracted with school. Whatever the case may be, I'm inbetween "contractions" right now so I think an update is in order.

Monday was Boo's 4th birthday and for his pre-birthday gift, he recieved a trip to the ER!

I was studying on Sunday evening when I heard Kevin's lilting-voice yell "Moooommeeeeee" from the boys' bedroom. I was already mildly exasperated since that was about the billionth "Mommy" I heard all day. I simply responded with "Yes, Kevin?" and continued on with my reading. And then I heard...

"Anthony has a metal ball stuck in his nose."

Oh the joy! Obviously, I was in the kids' room in heartbeat. There was my poor Anthony sitting on the floor with tears streaming down his face. He wasn't bawling, but he had a terribly forlorn look on his face. I swear, if he had a tail, it would have been between his legs! What a sorry sight he was. Poor Boo-Boo was gingerly touching the side of his nostril and judging by the look on his face, I could tell that he was in distress.

You see, Anthony has a thing about his nose.

Boo does not like people to touch his nose AT ALL so I was surprised when, lo and behold, there was a metal ball lodged inside of his "schnozzle". The poor kid probably meant to keep the damn thing within the cusp of his nostril, but being that he's barely four, he also didn't understand the physics involved in removing it.

Newton's 1st Law: A body at rest, stays at rest until force acts upon it.

Now why he put it up there? I have no idea. Why do kids do half of everything they do? But....I'm sure the ball was just barely dangling out of his nose until he pushed it up in attempt to get it out. He should have applied force downward, from the outside of the nostril, but he's a kid. Most kids like to learn lessons the hard way. I surmise that the more Boo tried to get it out, the further upward it went . By the time Kev alerted me of his brother's predicament, it was too late. There was nothing I could do to get it out! For the record, I'm almost positive that Kevie was in absolute awe watching his little brother repeatedly jam his finger up his nose in a panic. I could hear the amusement in Kev's voice when he screamed my name. Yeah, Kev was definitely not letting Boo live this one down.

Not to mention the fact that Kevin incessantly put about a thousand "2-cents" in as I examined Boo's nose.

After reminding Kevin that it would be a good time to "be nice" to his brother, my initial reaction was to panic. Oh, but that's not how things work out in our household. I knew that if I started to panic, Boo would surely follow. I learned early on that the boys are very much in tune with their mother's emotions. Damn! So, I calmly told Anthony that everything would be fine as I placed a call to John. John came home immediately and we off we went. We tried our best to turn it into a game so Boo wouldn't be afraid. We were naturally worried, but it was just a little bit funny after the initial shock subsided. Kids say the darndest things! When we asked why he did it, Boo replied that Kevie told him to. Lies. John and I tried VERY hard not to laugh during our drive to the ER.

Well, long story short, we waited 2.5 hours for a 15 second procedure!

Boo "took it like a man" and didn't even cry. :) With that being said, I made the rest of the story into a "photo essay" mainly because I'm too lazy to type. Enjoy!

The Forlorn Look: On the way to the ER with his healthplan card & "E-pin Lion Lion" in tow.

Boo at the ER: Please excuse the horrendous outfit we hurriedly threw together!

The Metal Ball of Doom: He let me take this picture so he could see what it looked like. E-pin Lion Lion: Boo took a picture of his buddy while we waited for the doctor.
Boo and E-pin Lion Lion: Still waiting...
Me & Boo: STILL waiting. (Please excuse my frumpy self.)Redemption at Last: Just moments before The Metal Ball of Doom shot out of his nose and ricocheted off of my shoe. Boo, After: He took this pic of himself to "make sure" the ball was out. The Metal Ball of Doom in all its Glory: Can you believe that this big ass thing was in my kid's nose!?

The end.

P.S. For those of you that may be wondering...Yes, I plan on keeping the ball. I'll show the ball and "Rainboots of Shame" to his future wife. More on the "Rainboots of Shame" some other time. :)