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Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Five years ago today was the last time I held you in my arms. Five years ago I was loving you, kissing you, and not wanting to let you go. Five years ago I struggled to find peace in my nightmare.  I havent found peace since that time we spent together in the wee hours of the morning.

Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

It's been so long that I forgot what it felt like to hold you. I can't remember the feeling of your weight in my arms. It hurts admitting that. Time like this I wish that you would come to me in my dreams. Just fool me into believing you are actually here! Even if it were only for one night. And you havent. And I know you probably don't because you also know that I won't be able to handle what it will feel like when I wake up.

That night, I tried so hard to commit every ounce of you to memory. I was sure that I would never forget the weight of your little body in my arms or what it felt like to kiss the top of your fuzzy head. Love creates miracles and I was sure that my body would instinctively remember you. But too much has happened since then. Too much heartache. Too much pain. All I can remember is how empty my arms have felt without you in them.

I'm missing a part of myself.  I'm missing a piece of my heart. Some days, I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Aside from the pain, I have anger. Not anger at God, but anger at this world. And perhaps, to some degree, anger at myself for dropping my guard. I should have been able to help you. I should have trusted my intuition sooner. I failed you.

It was my job to protect you, and I couldn't.

People say I shouldn't blame myself, but only you understand why I blame myself. I can't even put it into words -- there are no words -- but Lord knows why. But I also know that you don't blame me. I also know you served your purpose here. I just don't understand why it had to happen to you, my sweet baby.

The thought of what your little body went through those last moments haunt me.

Did it hurt? Did you know we were there? Were you moving your foot as a sign that you were still around? Did you hear me singing to you? I felt you when you entered the atmosphere. I knew you were gone before they confirmed it. You were around me, but when I left that room it felt like I left you in it.  I haven't felt you since.

What I wouldn't give to feel you again.

God, I miss you.