He Died in His Daddy's Arms...

We stayed up the night before holding him in our arms for just one last time. We loved him for every second we could. We took pictures. We played music -- the same song that we played as he slipped away. He moved his foot when I sang to him. We cried and prayed for a miracle. We could have sat there with him forever if time wasn't against us. The inevitable was going to happen in a few short hours, and somehow we had to figure out a way to accept that.

I remember that night well...

The NICU arranged for us to sleep in the hospital just in case Ethan decided to leave us sooner than anticipated. We woke up, got ready, and tried our best to keep ourselves together. Today was the day we were going to say goodbye to our baby. How do you prepare for that?

We were on the brink of falling apart.

A friend of mine (who took Ethan's xrays when he was first admitted) came by to visit with us in the NICU. She was the first visit of that morning. Then slowly but surely, family and friends poured in to support us. We met with our social worker and Ethan's doctors. They talked to us about what would happen as he slipped away. He would be given morphine to make him comfortable. It could take minutes or hours before he left us. They advised us that he may appear to gasp as he slipped away, but that it was not him struggling to breathe. It scared me. I was numb.

I couldn't believe this was happening.

The staff arranged for us to have a private room on the 7th floor in Pedatrics. I remember walking up there and passing the nurses station. There was a group of student nurses there in their tell-tale scrubs. I met their eyes and I immediately knew that they knew...

We were the family that was losing their baby today.

We were in the room talking with family, friends, and the social worker making sure that everything in order. We brought his quilt from home and my brother-in-law Jason gave us Ethan's song to play.

Then suddenly he was there.

We thought we were supposed to call to have him brought up so it took us by surprise. We weren't ready to say goodbye, but there Ethan was, being bagged by a nurse. His doctor and social worker were there, too. My brother-in-law Chris later told us that our social worker was tearing. Everything went quickly from there because all I could do was stare at him. I couldn't believe it. He looked so tiny in his bed. The people in the room left. And then it was just us and the NICU team.

The NICU nurse stopped bagging Ethan at 10:06am.

They snapped a picture of him and then placed Ethan in our arms and they left. I was just the three of us in that room together. The last time we were alone with him was the day he was born. It seemed horridly unfair.

It's impossible to describe those last moments with Ethan....

To say what went on in my head as I said goodbye to my baby...
To express the immense pain and fear that John and I were experiencing...
To describe the internal battle I was having with my faith in God for allowing this to happen to Ethan...

There are no words, just emotions.

John is the only other person in the world who knows what it felt like.

Gut-wrenching sobs painfully tore through our bodies until I thought we couldn't take it anymore. We laid in bed with him, trying our best to soothe Ethan as he slipped away. He didn't gasp. If I didn't know any better, I would have fooled myself into thinking he was just sleeping. But I knew better.
The energy in the room shifted, and Ethan died peacefully in his Daddy's arms at 11:00am.

We haven't been the same since. If you're reading this, hug your children tighter than you've ever hugged them before. I will hug mine. And I will pray to God that he gives us the strength to survive another year of this lifetime without our baby. I will miss him until the day I die.

Mommy loves you, my Little Lion in the sky...

About "Different Dream Parenting" - A Guest Post from Author Jolene Philo

On October 26th, I got a lovely surprise in the mail -- my copy of Jolene Philo's book, "Different Dream Parenting" finally came in!

I had the privilege of speaking with Jolene in August 2010. She was in the early stages of writing and I was one of the many parents that she interviewed to be included in the book. Jolene already wrote a wonderful book titled "A Different Dream for My Child." The book I was being interviewed for was going to compliment that book. It was an honor to get to know such a phenomenal woman and to share our family's story. There was something therapeutic about talking to Jolene. Since then I've been thrilled to see Jolene posting some of the information I've shared with her on her blog. It feels good knowing that my input somehow helped others.  And Jolene, thank you for dubbing me your "Queen of Apps" in your latest post. I think I'll have to put that on my resume. ;) You can click the links below if you want to see those blog entries on differentdream.com.

Seriously? There's an App for That? - Posted September 20, 2010
What the Personal Caregiver iPhone App can Do For You - Posted October 27, 2010
Breast Feeding: There's An App for That, Too. - Posted May 27, 2011

Below you'll find a guest post from Jolene as well as an except from the book. You can purchase the book from her website or you can click here to purchase it at 10% off the retail price. I also have one copy that I want to give away to one of my readers FOR FREE! If you know of family who could benefit from this book, or if YOU can, please feel free to privately message me or comment below. :)

Words from Jolene...

When our beautiful newborn boy was transferred to a regional hospital, my husband and I felt lost at sea. A few hours later, we learned that our baby required immediate surgery at a university hospital 750 miles away. Without it, he would die. That news threw us overboard. We longed for someone who could come alongside and pull us out of the water. A book to chart a map through unfamiliar waters and assure us of God’s presence.

But our son was born in 1982 when pediatric medicine was a relatively new field. Families like ours were hard to find. Parenting books hadn’t been written. The internet didn’t exist. Over the next twenty years, even after the surgeries and medical procedures that corrected our son’s condition were over, my search for parenting resources yielded scant results. Eventually, I sensed God nudging me to come alongside young parents lost at sea like we had been, to create a map they could follow.

Different Dream Parenting: A Practical Guide to Raising a Child with Special Needs is that map. It’s a map for parents of kids living with medical special needs as well as conditions like Down Syndrome, juvenile diabetes, developmental delays, and autism, and those facing a terminal diagnosis. It guides parents by providing tools and resources they need to become effective advocates for their kids.

The book features interviews, advice, and resources from more than fifty families, including Tiffany, and two dozen professionals. With their help, the book addresses the situations parents face every day. Things I wish someone had told me, like:

• Asking questions after diagnosis.
• Dealing with insurance companies.
• Preparing a child for a hospital stay.
• Accessing financial resources and government monies.
• Accessing special education services.
• Determining optimum level of care.
• Mobilizing volunteers at home.
• Supporting the sibs.
• Preparing a child for death.
• Planning a funeral.
• Participating in community and church events.
• Creating a special needs trust for adult children with special needs.

In addition to practical advice, Different Dream Parenting tackles spiritual questions families are often afraid to ask. Questions about:

• God’s sovereignty
• Parental guilt
• Setting and maintaining spiritual priorities
• Grieving for children living with special needs
• Grieving the death of a child
• Passing faith on to children with special needs

Thirty day prayer guides in the appendices are for parents too exhausted to form their own prayers.

I remember what it’s like to be lost at sea, thrown overboard by an unexpected diagnosis, and drowning under a flood of caregiving demands. My goal is to put Different Dream Parenting into the hands of floundering parents so they have a map and know they’re not alone. To order the book, visit www.DifferentDream.com and click on the “buy the book” tab.

Thanks, Tiffany, for this opportunity to guest blog at The Art of Lion Taming and tell people about Different Dream Parenting.

An Excerpt from the book...  

I Didn’t Sign Up for This, God!

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you can’t move? The car is racing toward the edge of a cliff and you can’t lift your foot to press the brake pedal. An attacker is breaking down the door to your house and you can’t raise your arm to dial 911. Your child is about to run in front of a truck and you can’t open your mouth to scream.

My bad dream became a reality in 1982. My husband and I stood beside our son’s isolette in the neonatal intensive care unit. An IV needle pierced Allen’s tiny arm, and angry red scars crisscrossed his chest. One end of his feeding tube hung on a pole beside his IV bag. The other end rose from the soft skin of his tummy. Pain etched his wide forehead and tugged at the corners of his perfect rosebud mouth.

More than anything, I wanted to reach out and take his hurt away. But I was trapped in a bad dream. Immobilized. Inadequate. Helpless. Though God had assigned me to love and care for this beautiful child, I could do nothing to minimize his pain. My thoughts were an inward scream. This isn’t what I signed up to do, God! I don’t want to be a helpless onlooker. I want to parent my child. How can I care for him? What can I do?

As the parent of a child with special needs, you’ve probably experienced the same sense of helplessness. Whether your child is critically or chronically ill, mentally or physically impaired, develop- mentally or behaviorally challenged, you want to do something. You want to ease your child’s pain, but you don’t know how. You want to help your child realize his or her full potential, but you don’t know where to begin. You want to ask God about your child’s suffering, but you don’t want to be condemned for questioning His wisdom. You want to believe God is with you, but you don’t know how to find Him.

You’re stuck in a bad dream. You can’t move. You can’t speak. You want someone to shake you awake and tell you everything will be okay. Instead, you wake up and must become the parent you never expected to be. You doubt that you’re up to the task. You’re worried about your child’s future. And you’re wondering, Does anyone understand what I’m experiencing?

The answer is yes, many parents understand your situation. In the United States,
• 10–15 percent of newborns, or 431,000 annually, spend time in neonatal intensive care according to the March of Dimes.
• 12 percent of children between ages 1 and 17 had medical conditions serious enough to require hospitalization between 2004 and 2006, the most recent years for which statistics are available at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
• 13.6 percent of students between ages 6 and 21 were enrolled in some kind of special needs program according to the National Center for Educational Statistics. That’s 706,000 of our country’s school-aged children.

Lots of kids mean lots of parents, dads and moms who are valuable sources of information and advice. In this book, dozens of them share with you the wisdom they gained while parenting kids with special needs.

Support can also come from the surprising number of professionals who work with families of kids with special needs. These professionals—and the resources they’ve created—are available at hospitals, medical facilities, government agencies, private organizations, businesses, schools, churches, and more.

This book brings you advice from professionals around the country and provides information about national organizations and resources. It also gives tips about where to start searching for state and local resources. More often than not, your problem won’t be a lack of resources, but a lack of awareness of them or inability to access them.

Different Dream Parenting contains six sections: Diagnosis, Hospital Life, Juggling Two Worlds, Long-Term Care Conditions, Losing a Child, and Raising a Survivor. Each section is divided into four chapters. Three chapters address practical issues. The last chapter in each section addresses spiritual concerns.

Parents of kids with special needs often wrestle with prickly spiritual questions. I sure did. Sometimes I still do. So do all the parents interviewed in this book, and most of the professionals, too. Every day, we continue to ask questions about our kids’ lives and futures. Gradually, we learn more about how to trust God’s timing and wait for His answers.

As you read this book, please ask your faith questions. Read about how parents and professionals learned to ask questions, wait, and listen. Consider the answers they have discerned and their suggestions about how to find comfort and courage in God’s Word. When you are ready, try out their ideas about how to pray and use Scripture to hear God’s answers to your hard questions. The thirty-day prayer guides in appendix A are designed to help you engage in conversation with Him.

But even with prayer guides and Scripture to guide you, I know how hard it can be to trust the God who is allowing your child to suffer. So I won’t condemn you for asking prickly questions. Instead, I’ll encourage you, cry with you, and support you when your faith grows weak. When you can’t hang on a minute longer, I’ll hold you close until your strength and your faith return.

I hope this book helps you break out of your bad dream, wake up, and move forward with joy and confidence. I pray that the stories of parents and professionals in this book will give you hope and strength.

Most of all, I hope you discover the truth God has revealed to me and many other parents. Raising a child with special needs isn’t a bad dream. It’s just a different dream. And surprisingly, a different dream can be the best dream of all.

Taken from Different Dream Parenting, 2011 by Jolene Philo. Used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Box 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. All rights reserved

It's ALWAYS Sunny in Philadelphia?

This past October, Niki's drug company invited me to share our family's story at a conference they were having in Philadelphia. With John's blessing, I accepted their offer traveled completely alone for the very first time in my entire life. I was nervous, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so I couldn't pass it up. (I mean really, when was I ever going to go to Philadelphia again?) My trip was from 10/2-10/4.

Without further ado, here's the story of my trip in photo-essay format. :)

After we attended Church, John and I had a lovely brunch at JoAnn's in South San Francisco before I left Sunday night. My very good friend Kim took me there shortly after Noie was born and it was delicious. 

Here's a pic of my breakfast from that day (The Gaucho.) I realize that my addiction to Instagram-ing EVERYTHING is borderline pathetic, but it's my blog and I'll document what I want, mmkay? ;-P

I took the red-eye to Philly and I tried my best to sleep for as long as possible. My flight arrived at around 6am EST. Novo Nordisk arranged for a driver to pick me up from the airport. The driver met me at baggage claim and he had my last name on a sign! Call me sheltered, but riding in my very own town car has to be one of the coolest things that happened to me this year. The guy had a hat and called me "Miss Intal" and everything! Made me feel like a real grown-up and shit.

Goodbye SF.

Hello Philly!

He was a history buff and had the most badass accent I've ever heard. :)

In case you haven't already noticed, I took pictures of pretty much everything so John could feel like he was there with me. The poor guy tried to get off from work so he could join me, but alas, I had to go alone. Here's some pictures of the hotel and of course, another food shot. That was the best oatmeal I've ever had -- I ordered it twice while I was there!

 

After I scarfed down breakfast, I took a nice long nap. I'm not a morning person (and I was still functioning on West Coast time), but somehow I managed to wake up at with enough energy/time to do some sight-seeing. First up, the was LOVE park. I've seen the "LOVE" statue around before, but I never knew its origin until my sister's friend Kid told me about it. It was close to my hotel so walked over to check it out.  {Note: From this point forward, you'll see Ethan Lion-Lion make cameos in the pictures I took. The boys were sad that I was leaving so I told them that Ethan Lion was going to be their "stunt double" while I was in Philly.  If Ethan Lion was in a picture, then that meant the boys were "there"too. Kev and Boo really got a kick out of seeing the Ethan Lion pics.}

See Ethan Lion?

After Love Park, I took a nice, leisurely walk to the world-famous Mutter Museum. It started to sprinkle as I was walking and I was ill-prepared. I quickly learned that contrary to the popular show's title, it is NOT "always sunny in Philadelphia." ;) Thankfully, I was able to duck under building overhangs to avoid getting wet.

The Mutter Museum let me use my CCSF ID (yes, I'm back in school) so I scored the student discount on admission. As I was adjusting my camera settings, the cashier advised me that pictures weren't allowed inside the museum. (Sorry guys. You can watch a YouTube video here if you want to see what the museum is all about.) There was a lot fascinating stuff in there, but there was some really disturbing stuff, too. There was an exhibit on President Lincoln's autopsy, the preserved liver of world famous Siamese twins, and the most disturbing part, preserved babies in various stages of development. There were also many "deformed" babies in jars as well.

Call me crazy, but I was compelled to pray for those poor babies knowing that their bodies would never be laid to rest. And I did just that...I prayed. Afterwards, I called John crying because I just needed someone to talk to.  I wasn't expecting it, but it was the most disturbing thing I've seen in a long time.

The entrance

The ticket

A window display. Unclear if these things are actually real.

I wanted to go back to the hotel room, but John encouraged me to make the most of my trip. I felt better after I spoke with him so I rode the bus (last time I rode a bus was in high school!) to see all the historical stuff featured in National Treasure. I must say Nicholas Cage made the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall look 20 times cooler than it is in person. (Maybe it's the suspenseful Hollywood background music? Who knows?)

I wasn't very fond of US History in high school so I guess you can say I'm way too ignorant to truly appreciate the symbolism of our nation's history.  Nonetheless, seeing all of these historical artifacts up close and personal was on my bucket list anyway so mission accomplished, I suppose. The 45 minute tour of Independence Hall was 40 minutes too many for my taste. I managed to glaze over all the history-speak just like I did in high school. I snapped my pictures, stepped back, and found myself being more fascinated by the  the furniture and architecture than anything else. {I realize I sound like an unappreciative imbecile right now, but you have to at least give me credit for being honest.}

Cast from the Liberty Bell

Let Freedom Ring

:)

The Path to Independence Hall

George Washington's Chair

The original railing that was here during Ben Franklin's time

Ethan Lion Lion propped on said railing

I still had a few hours before sundown so decided to check out the the Franklin Institute. I took  the PHLASH to get there and discovered that I wouldn't have enough time to see the entire museum before it closed. (Side note about PHLASH, I highly recommend this mode of transportation if you want to sight-see in Philly, but don't have a car -- $2 will take you anywhere.) There was a really cool mummy exhibit there so I was bummed that I didn't make it in time to check it out.

For whatever reason I decided it would be a good idea to walk to the Art History Museum  from the Franklin Institute. Bad idea! Not only was I wearing the wrong shoes for that type of walk (boots) but the area had too many trees for my taste so it reminded me of the type of places where joggers are found raped and murdered. There weren't any rapists or serial killers in sight, but I'm paranoid so I scurried as quickly as possible to the museum. (I should have took the PHLASH.)

I made it to the museum in one piece, but it was closed. (Boo!) No matter, I took my pictures and hopped back on the PHLASH to go back to the hotel. There were two very cute little boys who were racing up the stairs while their mom was taking pictures, and it made me miss my cubbies. It would have been so cool to take pictures of them at the top of the steps from Rocky.

Had a huge FML moment here. I didn't know the PHLASH went to the museum until I walked up and saw it parked in the front! LOL!

The view from the top of the steps.

I really missed the cubbies here.

Afterwards I took the PHLASH back to my hotel. As soon as I got to the hotel it dawned on me that I skipped lunch. I only had about an hour before dark so rather than go back to south Philly to try Gino's or Pat's, I asked to concierge to point me to the closest place with the best cheesesteak. I can't remember the name of the place, but it did NOT disappoint. As delicious as the cheesesteak was, I could barely finish half of that monstrosity. On my way back to the hotel I stopped by Starbucks to unwind from the day's events.

For his own peace of mind I promised John that I wouldn't go out after dark. So, I spent the rest of the evening chatting on the phone with him, doing my Physics homework, and panicking about my speech the following day. Oh, what a glamorous life I lead! 

I woke up the following morning with knots in my stomach. I never spoke in front of a large group before! To say I was terrified is a gross understatement. To make matters worse, I felt myself getting weepy whenever I started to talk about Ethan while I was practicing the night before. I knew I would be mortified if I lost my cool in front of a bunch of strangers.

A picture I took while they were testing everything out on the projector. It was so weird seeing my stuff up there!

Time was on crack that morning because 1 o'clock was there before I knew it. I was on the brink of hyperventilating when I saw how large the ballroom was. The good news is the coordinators set me at ease right before my speech. It helped that I broke my speech up with a video of Niki's infusion and sharing some family photos. While I was presenting, I looked up at the crowd and I saw a quite few people dabbing tears from their eyes. I *almost* started to cry too, but by some miracle that I maintained my composure despite having to talk about some seriously depressing stuff. It was humbling to know that these complete strangers were touched by our story. I even managed to survive the question and answer portion. At the end of my presentation, I got to meet quite of the few faces behind the drug responsible for saving Niki's life. It was an awesome experience!

I had an hour to spare before I was supposed to fly out, but I called the driver to come pick me up a bit early. I had a great time traveling by myself, but I couldn't wait to go back home to my den. There's no place like home.

Thought I'd Give This a Shot...

Never entered contest before, but this one seemed pretty easy so I thought I'd give it a shot. You can vote once a day. Share the link as you see fit. :)

I screwed up and accidentally submitted a duplicate post, so please submit your vote on the link below. Doubt I'll win, but it shares Ethan's story and carries on his memory so I'm happy.

http://apps.facebook.com/yourlifecontest/content/thanksgiving-0

Day By Day...

It has been three years since I last held my baby in my arms. Three long years and there are still some days that I can't believe this he's gone. There are days when I'm so overcome with grief and sorrow that it consumes my mind.

He consumes my mind.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it was real. Like losing him was real. Like it having him was real. Like spending the rest of my life missing him is real.  And the most heartbreaking days for me are the days when I've forgotten what it felt like to have him in my life. The times where I've gotten so absorbed in the moment that I've completely forgotten about my son. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks...

My baby is really gone. 

And then there's the guilt. The horrible guilt. How dare I live a moment of my life without thinking about my baby. How dare I think about my living children and their needs, and not honor my son by keeping him in my memory constantly. How dare I allow myself to forget about my baby!

But life is for the living, and I know this. I cannot dwell on his death, but I still do.

Three years and I still visit Ethan almost every day. There are days when I have to pick and choose what's more important. Rush home to see my living children or rush to the cemetery before it closes? Relax and eat during my lunch hour or nourish my soul by visiting my baby? The days that I can't visit him, I have to force myself to believe that Ethan understands. I remind myself that he knows my other cubs need me more than he does or that he knows that I had a particularly rough morning and need to relax. But, the guilt lingers...

Life is for the living, and I have to constantly remind myself of that.

Time has a mysterious way of erasing memories.  The sound of a cry. The crook of an ear. The feeling of his weight in my arms. His smell. These were things that I desperately fought to commit to memory. I don't care how many babies I've held since I held him, they'll never replace what it felt like to hold Ethan for that last time. On the day of his wake, I stared at his tiny body in his casket for what seemed like hours trying to burn his image into my mind. It dawned on me that I never stared at his profile when he was alive. And I didn't want to forget the sweet curve of his tiny ear. 

Most days I've accepted Ethan's destiny. I know he served his purpose here on this earth, and that he is in a better place. I know Niki is alive because of him. He was born to save Niki's life. I know Kevin and Anthony have stronger, more compassionate souls for having encountered such an intimate loss at such a young age. The death of a sibling might crumble some children, but my boys have flourished. I know that my relationship with John has been given the hardest test imaginable, and it passed. We've survived something most couples will never experience. And even though it initially broke my heart to have Noie be Ethan's carbon copy, I know that I was given a special gift from a Higher Power. Now I've witnessed what Ethan would have looked like past one week of age - in a feminine form, of course. And I know she will grow up to be just as strong and compassionate as the rest of my cubs. Our entire family has been blessed with special gifts because of Ethan's death.

To live life is a gift in itself.

I believe it's Dr. Earl Grollman that said, "Grief is love's unwillingness to let go." I will always love my son, and grief is a part of that love. God bless you, Ethan Nikolas de Leon. Mommy loves you so very, very much.

3 Years Ago...

Three years ago today. I remember it like it was yesterday. Happy Birthday, Son. I LOVE and MISS you with every fiber of my being...

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, Bloggy Friends!

The year has been filled with highs and lows, but through it all, we've persevered. I'm thankful that God has given our family the strength to face adversity with our heads held high and our spirits unfaltered.

Thanksgiving should be a time for reflection -- not only for what we're thankful for, but for the things we aren't typically thankful for. Step back and analyze your most troubled moments and darkest hours because there is something to be grateful about them, too. Take this day to reflect on how wonderful life is.

I feel dark today, and every holiday, because Ethan isn't here to join us. So today, I'm willing myself to be thankful for his passing. Because if he were here today, I probably wouldn't be as appreciative of what I have in front of me.

Appreciate each and every moment -- the good and the bad.

Life's Earthquakes

I've been behind with my HemAware Wednesday posts! Here's the link to the post I wrote for 11/3/10. Also copied and pasted below.

http://hemaware.org/blogs/diary-hemomom/life%E2%80%99s-earthquakes


We’re used to experiencing small earthquakes here in California, but fear of “the big one” is always there. I’ve come to realize the death of a loved one is a lot like a devastating earthquake—you know it’s coming, but you don’t know when. Preparedness is the best defense when disaster strikes, so emergency survival kits are a must in earthquake country. And in a sense, I suppose, I emotionally prepared myself for death in the same way. I knew I would lose my parents and grandparents someday, so I had my own “emotional emergency survival kit” packed and put away for safe-keeping. You expect these sorts of losses to happen, because death is a part of life.

The first earthquake I experienced was the Loma Prieta earthquake on October 17, 1989. I was 7 years old when it rocked the San Francisco Bay Area. My sister and I were home alone when it happened, and the experience traumatized me. My mother was stuck in horrendous traffic, and it took several hours for her to get home to console us. I distinctly remember crying and panicking with each and every aftershock that struck for days after. Sure, I can shrug off tiny earthquakes now, but the ’89 earthquake taught me how important it is to have a plan when disaster strikes. In fact, I’ve gone over our family’s earthquake plans with John on numerous occasions because, frankly, preparedness gives me a sense of comfort.

I wasn’t prepared for Ethan’s death at all. I thought I was “safe” because, you know, babies aren’t supposed to die, right? So, I felt like I was 7 years old again when his passing shook my soul to the core. Although I had experienced the death of a loved one before, none were as intimately connected to me as my own child was. It was traumatizing that my first real encounter with death was also the least expected. John and I were 25 years old when Ethan died. We were babies ourselves—we hadn’t even lost a parent or a grandparent. I didn’t have an “emotional emergency survival kit” packed for my sweet baby’s passing. But then again, what parent does?

The Aftershocks of Grief

Ethan’s death was the equivalent of an earthquake with a magnitude so high that it wouldn’t even register on the Richter scale. Loma Prieta had nothing on what it felt like to watch Ethan die. The emotional pain more intense than anything you can imagine. And, I’ve come to learn that the aftershocks of grief are equally terrifying. I never know where or when my latent anguish will rock me again. I’ve been known to bawl when I hear certain songs at church. If something triggers my memory, my eyes sting as I fight back my tears. The “big quake” has come and gone, but the occasional rifts instill a heartache that words cannot begin to describe.

It’s been nearly three years since Ethan passed away, and I guess you could say it has resonated within me a lot like the Loma Prieta earthquake did. I’ve survived the worst, so now I can deal with death. I’m able to shrug off “smaller quakes.” When my maternal grandmother passed away a few months after Ethan did, I was sad, but my grief was nothing like it was with Ethan. In a sense, death is easier for me to deal with now because nothing—and I mean nothing—will ever compare to losing my son. I’ve been desensitized to death, and that is a little sad. But that doesn’t mean I’m not terrified of another “big one.” I don’t think I could survive losing another child, and I’ve become a more fearful parent because of this. And that is sad, too.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record—like I talk about my grief too much. But, to be honest, earthquakes will never go away, just like grief never will.

Pre-Halloween Happenings...

I got started with my Halloween prep early this year. (You guys know how much I LOVE Halloween!) The boys got such great reviews during their conference that it inspired me to go out and buy their giveaways for their classrooms early this year. I started on October 5th, but I didn't officially finish until 10/28/10 because I'm SUCH a procrastinator. ;-)

Believe it or not, I made FIFTY giveaways for under $30. And, I got good candy too! I found some mini skull and jack-o-lantern pails 6 for $1 at Target's "Dollar Spot." They needed some more details on them so I used a Sharpie to hand-color the jack-o-lanterns and mouths on the skeletons. Then I added sequins (left over from my attempt to make Niki's ruby slippers last year) for the eyes.

Day 1 of giveaway making.

Contents: 1 spider, glow-in-the-dark cobwebs, candies/treats, gummy skeleton, and a human eye ball (bubbles) or a spooky paratrooper.

Jack-O-Lanterns for Boo's Class

Skulls for Kevin's class

I made waaaay cuter tags using my PhotoShop Elements software, but by the time I was ready to print and attach them, my printer ran out of colored ink. :( So, I had to make new tags using crappy ol' MS Paint at work. They don't meet my "craft-crackhead standards", but the kids didn't give a crap about the tags anyway.  Here's the finished product. You likey?

Kevin and Boo were super excited to go to school on Friday, 10/29/10. They had giveaways, class parties, and their Halloween Parade that day! What's not to like, right? The boys were up early and eager to put on their costumes which is totally out of character for them. (I opted to have them change into them at school so they wouldn't mess them up during recess.)  I requested the day off in April so I could serve as a parent volunteer that day. (The school's Halloween festivities are always on the last Friday of the month.) I wanted to make Boo's 1st Halloween as an elementary school student special.

I wish I could be a parent volunteer every day! It was interesting to see Boo in a completely different element. He's a different child at school, and I was very impressed. Boo is a free spirit, but he can stay on task when it's time to crack down and get some work done. My cub makes me so proud.

Volunteering that day also gave me a better perspective on how low the public school system is on resources this year. Budget cuts suck! Class sizes are larger and the teachers have to do EVERYTHING. The boys' school is the best school in the district, too! I felt so bad for Ms. C that I even offered to help compile paperwork from home. I can't volunteer all the time (gotta conserve my time off for emergencies!) but there are still things I could do to help. If you have kids in school, volunteer your time. Our teachers need all the help they can get. Besides, it's good for the kids to see us parents involved in their education. :)

Boo during recess.

Writing in his journal

I took pics like this for all the kids in his class. The classroom camera broke (Ms. C ordered new one) so she was camera-less that day. I wish I could post pictures of all the adorable kids that day.

Clearly Boo is a mobster, but the kids in his class said he was a "Dater" for Halloween.
I love five-year-olds!

John got swamped at work...again. So, he missed out the parade. It sucked, and I wasn't happy about it. Somehow, I managed to split my pregnant self in two so I could be there for both of the boys. They asked me where their Daddy was (I guess I'm not cool enough for them lol!) but they still had a lot of fun at their parade. I did a hell of a lot of sweating running across the school's blacktop area, but the good news is the kids didn't seem to notice that I was sweating like a pig. They really enjoyed posing for pictures. :)

Ms. C as Harry Potter

Boo with his best friend "A"

Isn't he the cutest?!

Goofing off with his friend.

I don't know where he gets this stuff from! Lol!

Jumping for Joy!

My 2nd grader likes to stay in character. ;-)

Walking in the parade...

I don't condone violence!

I really don't know where he got this from?!

Walking back to class...

I made them stop making "hand guns" in their pictures. ;-)

Once everyone got out from school and Niki woke up from her nap, I decided to take the cubs to visit Ethan. I picked up some food so we could picnic and take a few pictures. Unfortunately the grass was wet so the boys decided to eat in the car. Niki LOVES visiting Ethan (and playing with his toys.) She has now completely associated the cemetery with her big brother -- which is both comforting and sad at the same time -- so she excitedly screams "E-Tan!" over and over as we make our way through the cemetery. The minute the car is parked she tries to unhook herself from her carseat so she could get out to see him!

She loves her big brother. :)

My Sevens!

She always touches his face.

My precious baby boy.

Niki absolutely despised her costume ever since it came in the mail. We tried all month long to get her to warm up to the costume and try it on, but she wouldn't budge. When she wasn't crying about its mere presence in the same room as her, she was throwing it on the floor and saying "no." Such a diva! Everyone tried to get her to wear it, but she refused each and every time. Actually, I was thisclose to taking her to the Spirit Halloween on Friday so she could pick out her own costume because I was so desperate!

The good news is my MIL is a miracle worker. She bribed Niki with juice and lollipops. (John and I tried bribery, and it didn't work!) Somehow, my MIL was able to successfully coax Niki into wearing her costume just in time for the boys' "Halloween Happening" carnival at school. The school holds a carnival style fundraiser every year, and my kids have won first place for the past three years. (Yes, really!) I say they should have won this year, but I suppose it was time to pass the torch to someone else. ;-)

Welcome to the "Roaring 20's"

"The Cub Mafia"

I <3 Halloween. :)

Boo & Niki

Kevie

Boo getting ready to play some games.

The Multi-Use Room

Picking out prizes...

Niki on stage w/ my SIL "K" during the Toddler Costume Contest

Picking out her consolation prize...

The Flapper & her Daddy

More games...

More of the mobsters ;-)

The Boys During the K-2nd Grade Costume Contest

More Halloween posts are coming your way! :)