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Monday, November 24, 2014

Saved Seconds

Remembering to take a picture of a happy moment comes naturally to people. If you know me well, then you know that I take pictures of both the good and the bad.

Why do I do this?

Because my biggest regret about Ethan's passing was not taking pictures. At the time, I thought I wouldn't want to ever re-live that moment. Now, almost seven years later, I regret not documenting how beautiful his funeral was and how blessed we were (are!) to have so many people love and support us.

I learned long ago that there is always something to be grateful for even in the worst times. You just have to look real hard and have faith that the epiphany will come to you. Life is beautiful even at its darkest hour...believe me when I say this! While I may not always see the beauty right away, I have hope that I can look back on a specific photo of a "bad time" and learn something new about myself.

My faith plays a huge part in how I'm able to survive (and how we are able to survive as a family!) despite so many hurdles thrown our way. Being able to look retrospectively at yourself is essential to maintaining endurance...and sanity, of course. Every experience we have is a learning opportunity and there is always room for personal growth. I'm a firm believer that anyone in our shoes would be able to do the same. All parents  have the ability to channel amazing strength when it comes to their children.

So, what's the deal with this picture?

This photo was taken in the recovery room after Noah's surgery. It was a long, worry-filled day to say the least. Now that I've had the time to look back on the photos from that day, this particular photo stood out to me. It may seem insignificant, but the revelation I got while staring at it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This guy right here is my soulmate.

Our love is far from perfect, but he is one of the biggest blessings in my life. I really don't think I could endure any of this without him by my side. I often take him for granted. And... I forget to appreciate him in all the chaos that comes with raising six little lions. He brings me dinner in bed when I'm feeling sick (which is often.) He will wake up at 3am to get me drink because I'm still afraid of ghosts and the dark at 32 years old. He doesn't give me a hard time about it either...most of the time. And that's just naming a few of my oddities...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that he can be brave when I am weak. He is my match. Looking at this photo 3 days later made me remember how lucky I am to have this man by my side.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Dear Noah,

You're 5 days old today. These last 5 days I've felt completely out of control because I can't protect you anymore. I'm trying so hard to mask my fears. I'm supposed to be a veteran, but I feel like I have no idea what's going to happen to you. You're doing great considering the circumstances, but for whatever reason I don't feel like you're "mine" yet.

Often times I'm so afraid that it almost feels like you're only "loan."

It's probably just my hormones enhancing my greatest fears. I'm just so terrified to lose you that it's hard for me to believe that everything is going to be fine. I'm by your side so much that the nurses have to remind me to go outside and take a break. The day you were born and I finally got to hold you for the first time, I didn't even realize that I bled all over the place. I was so focused on you.

In the last 5 days you've been such a trooper. Three blown IVs, countless times they fished and poked  your tiny limbs trying to draw blood, a scare during your transport, head ultrasounds, and yesterday's wake-up call during your surgery....too much for a such a tiny baby.

I feel guilty. I want to take all your pain away. I have to fight every urge to cry along with you. Holding you is the only thing that gives me peace. And....I can only hope that you feel that same peace, too.

Today was tough.  You're wiped out and I can feel it. I can feel you trying, too. You're strong already, my boy. I hope tomorrow is better for the both of us.

Love you,

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Protect You...

Dear Baby,

You'll be here soon and I don't feel completely prepared. I wish there was more I could do for you. I wish I knew how this will all turn out. The fact of the matter is I don't. I can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Faith is all I have at this point.

No matter what happens, I can only hope that you know that I did everything in my power to protect you. There are so many things that I want to share with you, but words escape me right now. I can only find comfort in knowing that you can feel me right now. And as you kick and squirm inside of me, I know that in this very moment, I could guarantee that you were safe.

I love you more than words can express,