Fourth Grade & Forty (A long and overdue post)

When I was in 4th grade, my teacher Ms. Plank wrote that I was a "beautiful writer" on my first report card. Her kindness didn't make sense to me at the time because she was famously the meanest teacher in the school. 

Ms. Plank must've embraced her notoriety because she had a photo of a cartoon pirate in her class. I can't remember the exact verbiage on the sign, but there was reference to 'walking the plank' if you screwed around in her class. Everyone knew that if she told you to 'walk the plank' it meant that you fucked up and you had to come up and talk to her. I felt intimidated when she whispered to those kids, though none of them ever left her desk crying. Her command presence was so confident.

Her face was stern, but people went back to their seats and acted right. 

A lot of us kids secretly made fun of her at the time because of her fashion choices. Ms. Plank was clearly stuck in the 70's. She kept her hair long,  always rocked bell bottoms & long puff coats, and had these blue-tinted, bug eye shades that she wore during recess duty. You could never see her eyes and her face was stone cold. Her aesthetic suited her personality. The joke was on us though. Now that I'm likely her age at that time, I get it. She was going to work feeling like a boss and marched to beat of her own drum. Fuck what decade it was, Ms. Plank liked what she liked and she went with it.

She was a nonconformist and you gotta admire that. 

A few decades later, I saw some old classmates reminiscing about Colma on a Facebook post.  One of the people referred to her as a 'fucking bitch' and it got a lot of cosigns to say the least. Maybe she was, but being that I'm close to the age she was back then, I get it. Being responsible for hella kids is stressful. 

I'm a fucking bitch, too.

I like to think that despite her tightly pursed lips and expressionless stare, she loved each and every one of her students. She taught us music and square dancing. She encouraged us all to play instruments, but I eventually dropped out of clarinet because I didn't want extra work. 

Like I said, some things never change. 

If my memory serves me correctly, she didn't have children of her own, but she dedicated her life to teaching hordes of kids. We couldn't expect her to be nice all the time. She did her best to put goodness in the world. So, in case you're using her impact on me as a gauge, she really did do some goodness. I think we all start our own careers being bright-eyed & hopeful until time, responsibility, and sometimes people, wear you down. After nineteen years of doing the same thing, I'm there now. 

I get it, Ms. Plank. Fuck work. Lol.

Ms. Plank sticks out to me the most out of all my elementary school teachers because she was one of the first people in my life that saw me...even before I saw myself. Surely, I wasn't writing novels back then, but man, she had to have known what she was doing by saying that to me. That report card comment was pivotal in changing my mind about her. Here I am, 30 years later, still writing. Still mad that I never went on to Harvard. I never lost that part of me. 9 year old Tiff is still the same as 39 year old Tiff.

Ms. Plank changed me.

I still think about her often. Because I'm a total stalker, I went down the rabbit hole a few times trying to find her over the years. In fact, I took a quick pause from writing this to try and find her again. What I do know is she's still local and she was teaching as of 2020. She is still unlisted and still not on social media. And... I'm still awkward and would never reach out to her even if I did find her. At the very least, I hope she can feel all the gratitude I'm sending her way. 

By the end of 4th grade, I adored Ms. Plank despite the fact that she never outwardly showed any affection, tenderness, or preference over any one student. I appreciate her equality in that sense. She had no pets. In 5th grade she signed my yearbook and simply put, "Remember the music." I thought about what that meant for many years. Why would I ever want to remember the clarinet? Or square dancing? Or 4th grade math?!

I get it now. 

Just for shits and giggles I went back and read the post I wrote to commemorate turning thirty. It was a cringey read, but I'm glad it exists. What I've come to realize is that I spent much of the last decade doing a lot of what I was doing in my 20s...

Just trying to figure shit out.  

I went on to have three more cubbies so that was big. Finally got married at thirty-five and updated my last name. But, I still didn't win the lotto, still don't contribute to my 401k, still feel fifteen inside, still take my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for the streets! (We can't be friends if you don't know where that last part is from.) All jokes aside, I spent much of the last decade not seeing myself. I was too damn busy. So, I've spent the last three years trying to see myself again the way Ms. Plank saw me.  

Reflecting on that woman has been transformative for me. 

For starters, I increased in volume in the white hair department, but I honestly don't care. It's odd to me that so many people do. I'm talking randoms, too. The post office guy. The dude checking my temperature at a doctor's visit. Well-meaning family & friends. It's amazing how comfortable people feel telling me what they think I should change about myself. I'm just nice like that, I guess.

So... let the record formally state that I embrace my white hairs so much that it's almost to the point of resistance. 

It's just hair, but it holds deep sentimental value to me. This is pregnancy hair going as far back as Ethan. Those dry, brittle ends people tell me to chop off because they think it's ugly are the last reminders of when he was here. I'm marching to the beat of my own drum and I'll cut my hair or dye my hair when I'm good and ready. Just like Ms. Plank and her 70's clothes, I like what I like. So leave me be. Please. 

I'm a nonconformist and you gotta admire that. 

I've come to love a lot about myself. Even the parts that people think I shouldn't. It took a lot of work for me to get to this point in my life. I was under-spoken for many, many years and I swallowed my feelings to please others. I felt yucky inside because of it. Not anymore.

I'm the nicest, stone cold bitch you'll ever meet.

The last decade has taught me that people are going to think, act and feel how they want. And, if they're going to have something to say about you, no amount of kindness you do will stop them. I hold firm  boundaries now. When I feel weak, I give myself space to retreat and recover. I know it makes people feel uncomfy because they're still getting used to this part of me. I hold people accountable now and I feel liberated because of it. What Ms. Plank taught me was that I should take pride in that. 

People should 'walk the plank' if they're fuckin up, but still show them kindness.

I left the kids and husband out of this post with intention because I'm practicing being me outside of  mother and wife. As I wipe my feet at forty's front door, at the very least I know for a fact that I still like to write. And, that I need to stop being so damn busy all the time. If you'd made it this far, I thank you for your dedication! We can all learn a lesson or two from my romanticized memory of Ms. Plank. 

Take no bullshit. Let mfers know.

Keep your spirit light.

And no matter how fucked life gets, remember the wonderful things. 

Remember the music!

God willing, I'm looking forward to continuing this story at fifty. 

Square dancing in my sister's kinder grad dress. lol

1991. I cannot make this shit up.

(If you're still alive and ever read this, I'm sorry if I was wrong about your age, Ms. Plank. In my defense, all adults looked forty to me in 1991. P.S. Blogs are different. I remember that you're not supposed to start sentences with 'And' and 'Because')

COVID x Cubs

These were the guidelines emailed to me after the cubbies tested positive. Full Disclaimer: What I’m about to say here may not be a popular opinion, but I’m going to say it anyway. 

As far as I’m concerned, what the first sentence said is all I needed to know (and already knew) once my cubbies tested positive: Isolate for 10 days. 

Boom. Done. 

It is my humble opinion that the 5-day guidance was created because of pushback. I’m not invalidating any one person’s reason to pushback. It is what it is. However, for me, the operative word in this guidance is “must.”

MUST we end isolation after 5 days or is it more of a WANT/NEED? 

I understand antigen tests can be taken 5 days after diagnosis to safely dictate returning to work or school, but I also know from my own experience that the kits aren’t consistent. We all already know this though...don’t we? Once I got the first positive, I did improv confirmatory testing for all the cubbies. Just as I suspected, there was an inconsistent mix of positives and negatives on THREE different brands that I used back to back on the same kid. Hence my scheduling PCRs for the whole den the next morning.

I’m not trying to bash brands here, but let’s just say I was surprised at the outcomes. 

If you’ve been keeping up with my stories these last few days, there is a reason why you see me using different brands every day. I have zero symptoms, but I test daily to keep my last “men” standing, safe. 

So as we enter day 5, will a single negative antigen test dictate whether or not I send my kids back to school on Friday?  HELL TO THE NAH.

I’m thankful that 6 of the 6 infected in our household have gone without fever for well over 48 hours now, but that ain’t enough for me. I’ll spare you the report out, but there are varying degrees of symptom improvement ‘round here. They’re doing 10 days on the inside whether they like it or not

I think that interpretation of whether or not “symptoms are improving” can be subjective. And for some, decision-making time could be influenced by needs or wants. I legitimately had someone tell me that they were asymptomatic, but also that they “had a little sore throat but that was it.” This person ended up returning to work and spreading it to their colleagues because they didn’t isolate for long enough. The antigen test was negative so they thought they were good.

 There is a difference between SYMPTOM-FREE and HAVING SYMPTOMS — no matter how mild. (Link to CDC isolation guidelines below.)

Back to the unpopular opinion part: If you’ve had symptoms of any kind — just do the 10 day isolation period. Or at a minimum, test on different kits back to back if you must you return to work/school/gen pop whatever you want to call it after the 5-day mark. 

I know my kids caught COVID from school, but since we get contact notifications several times a week between all of them, it’s hard to say who Patient Zero is in our household. They all tested at the same time. Like I said, I don’t rely solely on antigen tests because of the inconsistency so I scheduled a PCR for them the next morning.

The den had a good run dodging COVID all this time. And while I’m overwhelmed that we’re here, I’m also relieved that I now know the unknown.

I also can’t help but think that we’re finally here because we live in a society where “must/need” is bringing people back too early with “improved symptoms” furthering the spread.  Or, perhaps families are relying on antigen tests alone when they should still schedule a PCR at the onset of any symptoms. Like I said — no judgement — I’m just reflecting on this now that I have the capacity to do so. I know it will reek of privilege for me to say this, but our school community has convenient and abundant access to pooled testing, antigen kits, and walk-in PCR testing. 

I don’t understand why these resources aren’t being utilized to effect that I’m still getting COVID notifications so often that it has become normal. 

For my family, I don’t care if it’s a tickle in their throat or a runny nose, I don’t send them to school unless they are tested. Some of the cubs were blessed with my trifecta (asthma/allergies/eczema) so we test like crazy around here. At its peak when access to antigen tests and PCR appointments were slim, I’ve waited in cold lines on January mornings, holiday weekends — you name it — just to make sure we kept others around us (and each other) safe.  I’ve had a lung collapse — been on ventilators in the ICU three times in my life —  in addition to having two kids with rare hemophilia.

We do not play around here. 

Now that COVID is in my home, I wear N95s 23/7 — even in my sleep! I only take breaks from masking when the sickies are isolated in their rooms and everything has been sanitized. 

Whether or not my efforts to stay negative will be futile, remains to be seen. 

It has been my social observation in my work and in my personal life, that for some, there is an unspoken shame or embarrassment that comes with COVID diagnosis. I saw it with my own family the minute their rapid tests came back positive. I witnessed two simultaneous, fear-based reactions: What will this do to me and what will people say about me?

I had those feelings, too. 

Now that my family is here, I think it’s important that we normalize this conversation because this is everyone’s new normal. 

Once I shared my experience, I had all sorts of private messages from people who willingly shared their own experiences, tips & tricks, and recommendations with me. In its own way, it was wonderful and normalizing. 

(Yes, even the well meaning, but slightly annoying messages from a small faction of folks coming out the woodwork with messages that had me thinking they didn’t know the f*ck I izzz and how I do do, mayne! P.S. Yes, I am making sure to sanitize my hands. Lol.)

Ever since I stopped blogging, IG has become my community of sorts, and while I know I can share the rigamarole of all the home remedies and treatments I already know because of what I do for a living, I’m sharing my opinion on this one piece, in case it helps someone else.

To reiterate: Got COVID? 10 day isolation OR simultaneous testing on different brands — if you have access — if you must return after the 5-days. 

I’m rooting for you either way, friends. May the odds be ever in your favor and may the force be with you. 💚

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/hcp/duration-isolation.html