For starters, my backpack was noticeably lighter this morning. I didn't have a book, binder, or calculator to weigh it down and this, my friends, was pretty awesome. I literally had a huge weight taken off of my shoulders.
After I got off from work today, I didn't have to rush off to school or clinic. No more stressing about being tardy while sitting in barely moving, rush hour traffic. No more worrying about getting written up by my teachers or worse, having my grade lowered. I was actually able to relax and GO HOME to my family. Even more weight lifted from my weary shoulders.
To be brutally honest, I've felt an immense amount of guilt for being unavailable to them. Anthony constantly asked me, "Why you had to goed to school all da times, Mama?" and Kevin consistently proclaimed, "You have to go to school again?!". As for Niki, well some days I didn't even see her awake.
I've been S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D.
But honestly, I'm stressed out by DEFAULT. For starters, Ethan passing away last year was no picnic. Second, Niki is living with the same condition that took Ethan's life. I'm constantly on "Red Alert" with here. Third, I have to constantly be on my toes with the boys. I don't ever want them to feel like I don't have time for them. Add love, time and energy for ahem...intimacy, school, commuting for hours on end, homework, studying, tests at almost every class meeting, and a full time job and you tell me how relaxed you would be?
Would you believe that a classmate had the gall to ask me why I was stressed yesterday? He asked almost as if my proclamation wasn't legitimate. I really felt like screaming at the guy. A lot of my classmates know what I have to handle outside of school. I'm an open book so I was actually taken back by what I felt like was a sarcastically-toned question.
I mean, really!?
I wanted to say, "Take a walk in my shoes dude. Your struggles ain't got shit on mine. It's easy to study and not be stressed when you're practically a stay at home dad." But...I didn't. Not that there's anything wrong on with being a stay-at-home dad but, I felt like it was a totally inappropriate comment for him to make. So you know what I did?
I turned into a mini she-devil and itemized what I had to be stressed about.
After my mini-rant I recall him mumbling some comment that sounded like "that's what you've got to do when you have kids", but I just let it go. 'Cause really, NO FUCKING DUH. I wasn't complaining about having kids and busting my tail for them, I was merely telling him that I couldn't go to Elephant Bar to celebrate with the rest of my classmates because I've been stressed out and SICK. I still have the same responsibilities to uphold, but it's harder to do my thing when I've been fucking sick. It only added to my regular stress level.
I haven't been this sick in a long time. My old school blog readers know this. I think it's because my stress level is manifesting itself physically. I've been in the ER twice in the last month! I've also had multiple doctor's appointments and horrible vomit-inducing acid reflux in the past few days. Then, to top it all off Niki has been having horrible gum bleeds. She's happy, but goes through bouts of irritability that is FAR WORSE than the boys had. Her upper gums are tender from the blood/bruising. This is not good when it's finals week.
The good news is all of that negative crap is behind me now that I've gotten it off my chest. Thank God for my blog-therapy. :) Yet another HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.
It's all smooth sailing from now on. Hopefully, I'll start my Sex Educator Training program in a few weeks. I get to be HOME with my kids and spend time with my man/family/friends. I finally have the time to STOP neglecting myself and get my health back in order. Life is good.
I'm feeling rather light and it has only been one day.