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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm In Love...

Noie just turned three-months-old on Easter Sunday. Three months may not seem like a very long time, but I honestly can't remember what it felt like without her in my life. Our little family just feels all the more complete with sweet little Anjali in it.

I barely remember what it felt like to be like this...

Taken 1/23/11 @ 11:17pm -- just before we left for the hospital
 It's hard to imagine there's a tiny person in there, isn't it? That the curve of my belly actually follows the sweet curve a teeny, tiny back. Motherhood is surreal in that sense, I suppose.  Two separate human beings are one for an extraordinary moment in time. Sometimes I forget that the tiny fingers I kiss with my lips are the same fingers that once tickled my insides not too long ago. I guess I never really appreciated that concept until Anjali was born.

Taken just seconds after she was born.
 Noie is quite possibly the first newborn that I've ever truly had the opportunity to appreciate. Now, before you think I'm a bad mother for admitting this, let me explain. I turned 21-years-old the day Kevin was born which means I was very young and naive. I was so overwhelmed with adapting to motherhood that I never really got to fully absorb the beauty of those first few days with my first son. When Anthony was born just 25 months later, I was distracted by trying to learn how to care for two cubbies instead of one. My Ethan was only home for a few short days and then he was gone. And lastly, Niki was in the NICU for several weeks after she was born so I didn't have much time alone with her.

I really didn't have the time to absorb it all.

Maybe it's because I'm little older and more mature now. Or maybe it's just a culmination of everything that has happened in the past three years. Or perhaps it's even because she looks so much like Ethan. Whatever it is, Noie's birth has made me appreciate motherhood on a whole different level. It has finally dawned on me that motherhood isn't only about doing, but it's about feeling, too. I'm more conscious of sensations and marveling at things like never before.

This must be what it's like to see the world with new eyes. To feel the world with new skin. To smell the world with new senses. To trust the world with a new heart.

This is what complete trust looks like...

This is what our family has become...

This precious girl is ours...

It feels like nothing else exists when she's sleeping on my chest. I'm at total peace when her downy hair caresses my cheek while I breathe in the delicate, rythmic puffs of her breath. It makes my heart melt.

Words can't describe how beautiful motherhood is, but this slide show comes pretty close to how wonderful it feels to have Noie in my life. The photos were taken by Kim of Super Kimagery. She's a such a talented photographer, and I highly recommend her newborn session if you live here in the Bay Area. (Thank you Kim for capturing such a special moment and for sharing a song that I now consider part of the "soundtrack of my life.")

I wish I could embed this slide show, but please do click the link below. I hope that every mother has the chance to fall in love with their baby as much as I have with mine.

God is good.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I've Missed You, Blogger.

Okay, so I lied.

This post is not about my oh-so-yummy NoieGirl & why I think she's the best thing since sliced bread. And no, this is not a post about Noie's birth-day & John's "birth partner fails." And no, this is not a post about everything that hasbeen going on with our den since friggin' NOVEMBER!!

No, this post is about how much I miss writing.

As God as my Witness, I swear I'll get to all of those posts eventually. But right now? No. Right now I need to vent. I recently discovered Blogger's MMS blogging feature so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I spend most of my time fiddling with my iPhone while I nurse anyway, so why not, right?

It's been months since I've had the time to actually sit down and write a post though. Even my HemAware blog has suffered, and that my friends, SUCKS! I miss writing!!! I miss feeling the soothing warmth of my laptop on my legs. I miss pounding out my frustrations on the keyboard. I miss being up-to-date with this blog. I hate that I have such a huge backlog of stories to document.

I foolishly thought maternity leave would allow me more time to play catch-up, but I was utterly and completely WRONG! On the contrary, I have zero time for myself these days. I don't even know who I am anymore. And usually I'm so...together.

Quite frankly I've had a hell of a time adjusting physically, hormonally, and emotionally to this new lifestyle of ours. I've developed a superwoman complex so it's hard for me to even admit that I'm crumbling from the pressure. I've spread myself too thin, burned the candle at both ends, and bit of more than I could chew many times before and I've NEVER faltered.

I'm what I call a "functional wreck."

These days it's a challenge to be the old me -- to meet the demands that I used to so effortlessly. I'm still doing okay -- I meet a majority of my daily goals -- but I've noticed myself slipping in other areas. I just want to be superwoman again, you know? I'm working on it, and I'll write about that journey sometime soon, too.

But for now, I just needed to write.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Little Bunny...

She's quite possibly the first cubbie I've ever truly enjoyed. I'll explain why in my next post...

Friday, April 15, 2011

Support Please!

We are celebrating World Hemophilia Day one day early. Tomorrow morning my team, Lucky Factor Seven, is walking in memory of Ethan & in support of Niki. Please consider donating today. We're fundraising to raise awareness for the bleeding disorders community.

Believe it or not, $7 to raise awareness for Factor VII Deficiency will go a long way!

Here's the link to my
team page:

Thank you for your support!