Dear Diary...

I truly cherish being a part of the blogosphere.

Being a part of this bloggy world can be addictive, invigorating, liberating, and humbling all at the same time. I read blogs about religion, mommy blogs, grief blogs, party/wedding planning blogs, and blogs that my friends & family maintain.

The blog world is diverse, but the one thing that I believe all bloggers have in common is how much we value having an outlet to say what we have to say.

I started blogging because I enjoy truly writing...I have ever since 4th grade! My teacher made quite the impression on me back then and this love carried onto 5th grade and beyond. Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
See?
"My future dream is to...graduate from Harvard University, get a Masters Degree, and write a novel because I like to write a lot."
What I enjoy the most about this virtual world is the fact that I'm free to make grammatical errors and tons of literary faux pas without being penalized for it. It's a real 5th-grade-ego-crusher when you get voted "Best Author", but your teacher still marks up your paper in red pen because of a few misplaced commas. ;-) It has been an even BIGGER ego crusher to discover 18 years later that I wanted to go to friggin' Harvard, but NEVER even came close.

Such is life...

In addition to having a great fondness for Language Arts, I've also always kept a diary. Writing allows me the luxury to "just be me" without fear of judgment or regret. I write because it helps me chronicle memories and feelings that I don't want ever to forget. In fact, I still have the entry I wrote when I lost my virginity to John so that fact should speak for itself. (John has been bugging me to read that entry for YEARS. ) Everyone has their way to alleviate stress and writing just so happened be mine. I retired my pen and paper years ago when the almighty internet allowed me the convenience of maintaining a virtual journal.

That is exactly what this blog is -- my diary.

I'm really more of a writer than a talker in real life. Sure, I can pretend to be confident and social, but in reality I'm painfully shy and lack self-confidence. Even with my closest friends and family. What you read on this blog are really my inner most thoughts. Or...at the very least, the thoughts that I'm confident enough to share. Everything else that I write (and I write a lot) is "saved as draft" and remains there -- unpublished -- for my eyes only. Even though I write for alllll the world to see, I think I'm entitled to privacy every so often.

In all seriousness, this blog has turned into my only means of therapy ever since Ethan passed away.

Talking to a stranger psychologist never did a damn thing to help me grieve. So, instead of paying a copay to see a shrink, I chose to turn to a "long time friend" for help -- my diary. Since Ethan's death, I've written entries about my grieving process in addition to stuff about our day-to-day life, medical madness, randomness, and for the first time very recently -- to be mentally naked. I write about the serious things because I desperately need to get them off my chest. And when I share for all the world to see, I hope and pray that the intimate corners of my heart won't be ripped to shreds.

My blogs used to be nothing but pointless banter, but that part of me -- the carefree part -- disappeared after Ethan passed.

If I'm hurting, you'll see it on here. But...you'll never see me express myself in public. It makes me too vulnerable. Too frail. And the thought of people consoling me hurts my heart. When Ethan was still sick in the hospital, I was only capable of being strong if those around me were strong for me. John and I both lost our minds when the doctor told us that Ethan wasn't going to survive, but I was the one that had to tell everyone.

I will never forget the audible gasp that everyone made.

I had to stop everyone from crying or I would have NEVER been able to finish the awful news that was coming out from my mouth. I was the stronger one at the time because I can be strong when people need me to be strong. I was tough for that moment, but I would lose my fucking mind when I was alone. When I wrote....When I smelled his clothes...As I sobbed in John's arms...Whenever I remembered the life he was never meant to live past one week...

It is so very hard to pretend to be strong.

I am not strong. I am not immune to heartbreak. I am human. And my feelings are real. People often forget these things. I choose to share my ugliness on this blog because my life isn't "roses and sunshine" all the time. And I really believe that I would lose my fucking mind if I didn't have the freedom to write about it.

This is the sole purpose of my blog -- to heal my hurts.

I do not write to depress, anger, or confuse. If I write things that cause bewilderment, please do feel free to comment (anonymously even) and I will clarify or explain. Unfortunately, writing is my only means to heal my wounds. Internal bleeding isn't fun for an "emotional hemophiliac" like me.

Read on, but read with caution.

This is me in all of my ugly ass glory. But it is me. I have always been me and I will continue to be me. Even the pointless banter was me. As much as I wish I could be her again (fun, naive Tiffany the Blog Entertainer), she's gone for good. It has been years since I've written anything remotely close to "Clear Heels". (Some of you old school readers know what I'm talking about.) I just don't have that in me anymore. At least not right now and most certainly NOT the eve of Ethan's death anniversary.

I miss Ethan just as much as I miss the old me.

Life is so much easier when things are indeed "roses and sunshine" all the time. I miss not knowing sh*t about the realities of life.

Four Days Apart..

I've had so much to write about, but so little drive to write. Niki's party was on February 13th (obviously a blog worthy event) but I've been so damn preoccupied with riding my emotional roller coaster that writing about a silly party seems so...insignificant. Perhaps I'll just post pics sometime in the near future.

In the meantime, onto the update...

We spent Valentine's Day at home. John and I were exhausted from Niki's party so we didn't do anything special. I watched him put together a shoe rack, we went to visit Ethan, and then we ate at Wendy's afterward. I was craving for a Frosty.

Lol...oh so romantic, huh?

We've been together for almost 12 years so there's really no need to do the roses and flowers thing anymore. (Even if it is the 6th anniversary of the day he proposed.) He'll probably kill me for telling you this, but the year after he proposed he filled our room with heart shaped balloons . It was very cute, but the "Hallmark romance" stuff stopped after that year. These days we're content just being our regular selves. :)




Happy Valentine's Day, Ethan!
We spent President's Day with the cubs. The kids loved the Academy of Sciences. We were going to check out the Tut exhibit (John and I are huge "museum fans" -- we even went to a Torture exhibit once), but I don't think the kids would have done very well around a whole bunch of ancient artifacts. So, we're going to save the Tut exhibit for some other time. LOL!



This T-Rex brings back memories...
The Little Lions with the Big Lions...
The LadyBug with the LadyBugs...
Daddy pushing the stroller...
This Fish kept swimming up to Niki...
She loved the fish...
From finding Nemo...
It was so pretty...
Little Miss Double Chin...
The were on a fish hunt...
Jellyfish: Beautiful, but Dangerous...
Scary looking thing...

Niki's 1st birthday was on 2/16. We made it!!! I am so grateful that the past year wasn't as bad as it could have been. She had some bleeds, but nothing too painful or life threatening. I'm just thrilled that her life has been so relatively uneventful. Things could have been a lot worse.

Thank you God, Ethan, and Dr. Awesome!

I had the day off on her birthday. It was nice to relax at home with my baby girl. I wish I could do it more often. My MIL and I had a soda shop-themed party for her in the daycare. I made Neopolitan milkshakes and purchased cupcakes for the kids. The favors were "mini cherry cokes". I'm thinking I might recycle this theme for her 2nd birthday since the little that I did do was so much fun. It was not anywhere near as elaborate as it sounds, but the kids had fun.



Neopolitan Milkshakes...
Niki's Special Cupcake...
Slurping the milkshake...
"Cherry Coke"...
Red Velvet & Chocolate Cupcakes...
We also visited Ethan after we picked up Kevin from school. He deserved to partake in the festivities, too. We blew out Niki's candle at his graveside and left him a cupcake. :) Niki started blowing kisses for no reason. I think he was there with us...



Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!
Ethan's Decor matched Niki...
The Cubs squinting from the sun...
They shared a little bit of Ethan's cupcake...
Blowing Kisses...
To Ethan?
I think so!
Caught you! She owes it all to him. :)
The Four Little Lions...
Later on that evening we went to Kincaid's in Burlingame for Niki's birthday dinner. As always, her Daddy spoiled her with a fancy schmancy cake from a place called Cafe Madeline in the FiDi. (And the boys and I get stuff from Lucky's...lol)

It was a happy day for all of us.



Yes, that is my hemophiliac child wielding a fork. Shhh...don't tell CPS. ;-)
They LOVE their sister...
Happy Birthday Queen Niki ($50 and they spelled her name wrong on the cake!)
Yummers...
The Birthday Girl enjoying her sugar high...

I went back to work on 2/17. There were three days left until Ethan's birthday. My Lucky Little Sevens' birthdays are only four days apart.

Ethan's 2nd birthday was on Saturday 2/20. I woke up early to meet my sister in the city. My nephew was hospitalized early that morning from a really bad case of croup. She planned to visit Ethan (she got him flowers and a balloon) but she couldn't visit him with my nephew being sick. So, she asked me to come pick up the gifts instead.

My big sister is so thoughtful when it comes to her nieces and nephews.

After I hooked up with my sister, I went to purchase flowers for Ethan so I could make him a flower cake when I got home. I wasn't completely satisfied with how it turned out, but it wasn't bad for my first floral cake. My dad told me I was being too hard on myself. Honestly, crafting wasn't a big enough distraction that day.

I was feeling very depressed.

It was seriously cold and windy so we couldn't stay at the cemetery as long as I would've liked. We spent about 2 hours with Ethan. Johns cousin (the first Ninong I picked out for Ethan) came by to visit and he gave Ethan a tiny lion figurine. I was so touched that he remembered his birthday. I seriously almost cried when I saw his car pull up.

I was an emotional wreck that day.

For starters, Ethan's candles made me cry. I caught a glimpse of the "2" on our way to the cemetery and I absolutely lost it. The fact that he wouldn't EVER be able to blow out candles made me lose my composure. I felt this horrible sadness welling up inside of me all day and I just started bawling.
There are times when I'm not at peace with his death. Life feels so horridly unfair when you remember the simple things you've missed out on.

I would give anything to see his tiny lips blow out a candle.

Last year, I was so worried about Niki's first surgery that I don't think I fully allowed myself to feel these emotions on his first birthday. And the delayed reaction took a lot of energy from me. And John too. Maybe it was exhaustion since I couldn't sleep the night before (I was up until 6:02am--the time he was born), but I was on the brink of crying all day long. It was a struggle to put up the "I'm okay" facade that day, but I didn't want to scare the cubs. They knew it was Ethan's birthday, too. And I know they were looking at John and I for clues on how to act that day. It broke my heart when Boo innocently asked me, "If Ethan died then why is it his birthday?"

Life doesn't make sense sometimes, but we tried our best to be...happy?


Happy 2nd Birthday, Kiddo...
Candles blown by the wind...
He was my 3rd King...
Ethan's 1st Floral Cake...
Me and JD: Note that blanket was knit by my coworker as a baby shower gift...
The Three Kings...
Four Little Lions Together Again...
John went home with Niki & Boo after we left the cemetery. The BFFs needed some rest after being outdoors for so long. They were cranky, their noses were running, and they needed a nap. I ended up going to John's aunts 50th birthday party for a little bit before we went to dinner.

I had made reservations at Top of Mark, but when I came home to pick up John and the cubs it became very obvious that out brood wasn't capable of pulling off fine dining that day. Kev was on a sugar high, Boo was just waking up from his nap, and Niki was still sleeping.

Top of Mark was most definitely not going to be compatible with my roaring little lions.

Nevertheless, I wanted to be up high so we could celebrate close to Ethan. So, we opted for Cheesecake Factory instead. They could roar all want there! We ate dinner on the deck. We were up against the wall and it was heated so it was actually very nice. The cubs really loved the view. John and I were in better spirits, too.



Roar Away Little Cubs!
Niki enjoying the view...
The Boys amazed by Union Square...
It was a beautiful night...
Hi, Ethan!
Kev & Niki lovin' the bread...
The BFFs in better spirits...
Incomplete...
They loved the cheesecake..
Happy Birthday, My Love.
I missed him so much that day... it hurt. I could feel it in my bones. But there was nothing i could do to bring him back. We made the most of the day and despite the sorrow, I think it turned out beautifully.

Today is the two year anniversary of the day he had his head bleed. I will never forget the seizures. I can still see his eyes ticking. I will NEVER forget expression he had on his face for the rest of my life. I will ALWAYS wonder what was going on in his mind before he slipped away.

Saturday is his death anniversary and I feel so empty all over again. I wonder what emotions February 27th will bring...