Noah

Dear Noah,

You're 5 days old today. These last 5 days I've felt completely out of control because I can't protect you anymore. I'm trying so hard to mask my fears. I'm supposed to be a veteran, but I feel like I have no idea what's going to happen to you. You're doing great considering the circumstances, but for whatever reason I don't feel like you're "mine" yet.

Often times I'm so afraid that it almost feels like you're only "loan."

It's probably just my hormones enhancing my greatest fears. I'm just so terrified to lose you that it's hard for me to believe that everything is going to be fine. I'm by your side so much that the nurses have to remind me to go outside and take a break. The day you were born and I finally got to hold you for the first time, I didn't even realize that I bled all over the place. I was so focused on you.

In the last 5 days you've been such a trooper. Three blown IVs, countless times they fished and poked  your tiny limbs trying to draw blood, a scare during your transport, head ultrasounds, and yesterday's wake-up call during your surgery....too much for a such a tiny baby.

I feel guilty. I want to take all your pain away. I have to fight every urge to cry along with you. Holding you is the only thing that gives me peace. And....I can only hope that you feel that same peace, too.

Today was tough.  You're wiped out and I can feel it. I can feel you trying, too. You're strong already, my boy. I hope tomorrow is better for the both of us.

Love you,
Mommy