Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Weekend Recap...
**This is an old entry. I was having technical difficulties with my Blogger account**
Our den has been busy.
I've had horrible heartburn for almost one year now despite being on both Famitodine and Omeprazole. So, my Gastroenterologist said it was time for me to have an upper endoscopy. Fun, fun, fun! On Thursday I ended up slipping in and out of dreamland all day long. The medication had an amnesic affect, but I *think* they said that they gave me Fentanyl and Dialudid.
Our den has been busy.
I've had horrible heartburn for almost one year now despite being on both Famitodine and Omeprazole. So, my Gastroenterologist said it was time for me to have an upper endoscopy. Fun, fun, fun! On Thursday I ended up slipping in and out of dreamland all day long. The medication had an amnesic affect, but I *think* they said that they gave me Fentanyl and Dialudid.
Whatever it was seriously effed me up!
I slept for what felt like days and woke up to my SIL telling me that Niki felt hot.
She was fine for about a week after she finished her Clindamycin in mid-January, but came down with a cold shortly thereafter. She was just starting to develop a runny nose when I wrote about the whole RSV fiasco. I was hoping that it wouldn't turn into a full blown cold, but lo and behold her temperature was 102.1!
Needless to say I woke up pretty quick.
It was about 4 o'clock so I called Dr. Awesome's office. Nurse Richard told us to take Niki to the ER in San Francisco. I wasn't allowed to drive so I called John and told him to come home...stat. When we finally got to the ER, Niki's usual ER nurse (I'll call her Nurse Stat) was there. They did the customary blood culture and antibiotic infusion and sent us on our way.
Unfortunately, we're all getting used to these frequent ER visits. This was the 5th ER visit we've had since Halloween!
The Broviac protocol sucks, but line infections are way too scary to risk it. Dr. Awesome doesn't want to take any chances when it comes to Niki. Shoot, I don't either! Niki is okay when she has antibiotics, but she gets sick SO easily after she's off them. Her immune system isn't very strong because of her central line so Nurse Richard pretty much told us it would be better if we just kept her isolated.
LOL...if only they made hamster balls for babies. She would be totally fine being around other kids. ;-)
She was fine for about a week after she finished her Clindamycin in mid-January, but came down with a cold shortly thereafter. She was just starting to develop a runny nose when I wrote about the whole RSV fiasco. I was hoping that it wouldn't turn into a full blown cold, but lo and behold her temperature was 102.1!
Needless to say I woke up pretty quick.
It was about 4 o'clock so I called Dr. Awesome's office. Nurse Richard told us to take Niki to the ER in San Francisco. I wasn't allowed to drive so I called John and told him to come home...stat. When we finally got to the ER, Niki's usual ER nurse (I'll call her Nurse Stat) was there. They did the customary blood culture and antibiotic infusion and sent us on our way.
Unfortunately, we're all getting used to these frequent ER visits. This was the 5th ER visit we've had since Halloween!
The Broviac protocol sucks, but line infections are way too scary to risk it. Dr. Awesome doesn't want to take any chances when it comes to Niki. Shoot, I don't either! Niki is okay when she has antibiotics, but she gets sick SO easily after she's off them. Her immune system isn't very strong because of her central line so Nurse Richard pretty much told us it would be better if we just kept her isolated.
LOL...if only they made hamster balls for babies. She would be totally fine being around other kids. ;-)
The following day (Friday afternoon) Niki had to have her 2nd round of antibiotics, but Dr. Awesome was out of the office. Her associates didn't have any appointments either so going to Oakland was not an option. Nurse Richard was scrambling to find a place for Niki to have her infusion, but the pediatric Infusion Center in San Francisco was fully booked and Dr. Sweetheart's nurses weren't trained to access central lines. The ER was out of the picture because Nurse Richard wasn't keen on the idea of Niki being exposed to so many "hospital bugs" with her immune system being the way it is.
So, we had no other choice than to take her to Dr. Sweetheart's office so she could have a peripheral IV inserted in her arm. PIVs aren't a typically a huge deal, but there is more risk for profuse bleeding and bruising with Niki's bleeding disorder. Nobody was happy about having to do a PIV on Niki (especially since she already has her Broviac), but there was no other option and she needed her antibiotics. So, we had to factor her up right before they started.
It took THREE NURSES to find a vein, but they found one.
I worked in Pediatrics before so I had no doubt in my mind that her nurses were the best. They didn't even have to fish around to get access. Niki was crying hysterically (thank goodness me BIL was there to help me) because we had to hold her down, but other than that she was fine.
Actually, this whole ordeal was a blessing in disguise. She's super healthy after she gets the antibiotic infusion so there is a silver lining to this ugly cloud. At least she wouldn't be sick for her birthday. :) Niki was feeling like a million bucks.
On Saturday John went snowboarding so the cubs, my SIL, and I drove to San Jose. Kevin was begging me to take him to perform for Black History Month (Parks & Rec was having an event) but I couldn't take him. My grandma was making dresses for Niki and I so we needed to have our final fitting. I LOVE my grandmother. It was nice to spend time with my San Jose family. It's always so therapeutic to eat my grandma's champorado while talking about life.
On Sunday, I went out for some much needed girl time with my friend D. We had brunch at our usual place and chatted about life and love. That girl is my therapist, I swear. ;-)
After brunch I did some shopping at Burlingame Ave and was "suckered into" buying makeup that I probably won't use on a daily basis. I'm embarrassed to say how much I spent at MAC, but the girl was so pretty that it was hard to NOT listen to her suggestions. LOL...apparently I need more color in my life. ;-)
When I told John how much I spent he told me, "What?! You better return that sh*t!"
I NEVER buy anything for myself and explained to him that makeup is expensive, but it will last a long time. He softened up a by the time I came home. He was distracted by the Super Bowl anyway. ;-)
So now, I will enter a blog hiatus until I am done making everything that I need to make for Niki's birthday party. It's going to be a long rest of the week. :-)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
That's What Friends Are For...
Do you guys remember this song?
I heard this song as I was riding home from the hospital this morning and it really made me realize how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Maybe it was the just sedative affecting me (I had an endoscopy this morning), but I swear I was ready to cry. These past two years have been ROUGH and my friends were there to laugh and cry with me whenever my family couldn't physically be there.
About B:
B and I are both mothers of more than one child so the craziness of our lives are very similar. I've known B for almost 14 years, but I never realized how similar our life experiences were until recently. She's a blog reader and I love how she doesn't hesitate to tell me that she totally agrees with me on some of the off the wall things that I write. It's nice to have validation from time to time, even when it comes to things like holy underwear. ;-)
About D:
D and I reconnected after I sought her help for Ethan's memorial celebration. That entire party wouldn't have been possible with out her. D is a sweetheart! Not too many people would go above and beyond to help an old friend like she did. She's also part of what I lovingly call the "ex-girlfriends club" because she used to date a good friend of ours. I truly admire her strength and the wealth of knowledge that she has. She's a beautiful person inside and out and I love how our friendship has blossomed since we reconnected. D is my kindred spirit. :)
About G:
She started off as just a co-worker, but after almost four years of working side by side she has turned into one of my most cherished friends. Especially after all of the emotional support she gave me when I returned to work after Ethan passed away. We both share the same crazy, vulgar, politically incorrect sense of humor and I love every minute of working with her. She's slightly older than me so G also teaches me a lot about the person I should strive to be. I can vent to G about ANYTHING and she always listens with a whole heart and open mind. "Strangers" like her are hard to come by and I'm glad that I can be her friend. ;-)
About J:
J and I go way back---about 13 years to be exact. She and I have had our ups and downs from time to time, but one thing that holds true is the fact that she has my back no matter what. She is the most loyal friend that you will ever meet! There are so many things that I could list about her. Whenever we have the chance to get together, I know that I need to have my waterproof mascara on. J is hilarious and I laugh myself to tears when we're together. J is a strong person and I really admire her ability to face adversity with her head held high.
About K:
We've known each other since we were seven years old and I absolutely adore her. 20 years of friendship can teach you a lot about a person. What I love about K is how much she knows me. Despite all the bullsh*t I went through growing up (and she saw it all) she hasn't ever judged me. I also enjoy her wonderfully random sense of humor. She's more than a friend, she's like a sister to me. We've fought over Barbie shoes so that should say a lot! K will be my family for life.
About KT:
She's my birthday buddy and I love her to death. We don't get to hang out as much, but when we do we can pick up right where we left off. When I was 7 months pregnant with Niki, I'll never forget the conversation we had about Ethan. She really placed herself in my shoes and she felt what I felt. Not too many people have taken the time to actually do that. I will never forget the tears and blood she shed for my baby boy. I love that girl!
About L:
She's been my very good friend for 14 years....actually she was the very first friend I made in high school! L is beautiful, bold, and blunt. I admire her sheer honesty (she tells it like it is) and her confidence. I'll never forget how she reached out to me in the days following Ethan's death. When I was finally able to talk, she listened to my entire story despite the fact that I "killed her minutes". Even when I was in my deepest depression she still managed make me laugh. Not too many people can do that for a person. And until now, if I need to confide in her, I know she's there to listen and offer advice.
About M:
M and I have been friends for 14 years, but our friendship started to grow in more recent years. She is Niki's Ninang and I chose her for a reason. I never told her this, but she reminds me a lot of a "Ninang" of mine who passed away -- "B". M is strong and outspoken just like Ninang B was. Everyone needs a Ninang like Ninang B. Niki is a lucky little gal because she's already talking about making her prom dress. :) As a friend, M is the most devoted and open-hearted person I know. She is always there for me (on random Wednesday nights even!) whenever I need support.
**Edit***
About A:
How could I forget about A?! I spent so much time making sure that I had everyone in the correct alphabetical order that I realized that A wasn't included in the final draft of this post. But WOW... A is oh so important to me, too! She is one of the few people that I can seriously talk religion with. She's my "Christian girl"...and is exactly the type of wife that I hope to be some day. She's another friend that I've had for almost 14 years and regardless of how life gets in the way, I know that I can count on her when I need both spiritual and moral support. :)
I feel so blessed to have some awesome women in my life. I love the diversity that my friends have to offer. I have friends who don't like each other, friends who don't know one another, co-worker friends, and friends who are both old and new. I'm not usually a mushy person, but I really felt compelled to share a thing or two about the friends that I cherish so much.
Thanks for being you. :)
I heard this song as I was riding home from the hospital this morning and it really made me realize how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Maybe it was the just sedative affecting me (I had an endoscopy this morning), but I swear I was ready to cry. These past two years have been ROUGH and my friends were there to laugh and cry with me whenever my family couldn't physically be there.
About B:
B and I are both mothers of more than one child so the craziness of our lives are very similar. I've known B for almost 14 years, but I never realized how similar our life experiences were until recently. She's a blog reader and I love how she doesn't hesitate to tell me that she totally agrees with me on some of the off the wall things that I write. It's nice to have validation from time to time, even when it comes to things like holy underwear. ;-)
About D:
D and I reconnected after I sought her help for Ethan's memorial celebration. That entire party wouldn't have been possible with out her. D is a sweetheart! Not too many people would go above and beyond to help an old friend like she did. She's also part of what I lovingly call the "ex-girlfriends club" because she used to date a good friend of ours. I truly admire her strength and the wealth of knowledge that she has. She's a beautiful person inside and out and I love how our friendship has blossomed since we reconnected. D is my kindred spirit. :)
About G:
She started off as just a co-worker, but after almost four years of working side by side she has turned into one of my most cherished friends. Especially after all of the emotional support she gave me when I returned to work after Ethan passed away. We both share the same crazy, vulgar, politically incorrect sense of humor and I love every minute of working with her. She's slightly older than me so G also teaches me a lot about the person I should strive to be. I can vent to G about ANYTHING and she always listens with a whole heart and open mind. "Strangers" like her are hard to come by and I'm glad that I can be her friend. ;-)
About J:
J and I go way back---about 13 years to be exact. She and I have had our ups and downs from time to time, but one thing that holds true is the fact that she has my back no matter what. She is the most loyal friend that you will ever meet! There are so many things that I could list about her. Whenever we have the chance to get together, I know that I need to have my waterproof mascara on. J is hilarious and I laugh myself to tears when we're together. J is a strong person and I really admire her ability to face adversity with her head held high.
About K:
We've known each other since we were seven years old and I absolutely adore her. 20 years of friendship can teach you a lot about a person. What I love about K is how much she knows me. Despite all the bullsh*t I went through growing up (and she saw it all) she hasn't ever judged me. I also enjoy her wonderfully random sense of humor. She's more than a friend, she's like a sister to me. We've fought over Barbie shoes so that should say a lot! K will be my family for life.
About KT:
She's my birthday buddy and I love her to death. We don't get to hang out as much, but when we do we can pick up right where we left off. When I was 7 months pregnant with Niki, I'll never forget the conversation we had about Ethan. She really placed herself in my shoes and she felt what I felt. Not too many people have taken the time to actually do that. I will never forget the tears and blood she shed for my baby boy. I love that girl!
About L:
She's been my very good friend for 14 years....actually she was the very first friend I made in high school! L is beautiful, bold, and blunt. I admire her sheer honesty (she tells it like it is) and her confidence. I'll never forget how she reached out to me in the days following Ethan's death. When I was finally able to talk, she listened to my entire story despite the fact that I "killed her minutes". Even when I was in my deepest depression she still managed make me laugh. Not too many people can do that for a person. And until now, if I need to confide in her, I know she's there to listen and offer advice.
About M:
M and I have been friends for 14 years, but our friendship started to grow in more recent years. She is Niki's Ninang and I chose her for a reason. I never told her this, but she reminds me a lot of a "Ninang" of mine who passed away -- "B". M is strong and outspoken just like Ninang B was. Everyone needs a Ninang like Ninang B. Niki is a lucky little gal because she's already talking about making her prom dress. :) As a friend, M is the most devoted and open-hearted person I know. She is always there for me (on random Wednesday nights even!) whenever I need support.
**Edit***
About A:
How could I forget about A?! I spent so much time making sure that I had everyone in the correct alphabetical order that I realized that A wasn't included in the final draft of this post. But WOW... A is oh so important to me, too! She is one of the few people that I can seriously talk religion with. She's my "Christian girl"...and is exactly the type of wife that I hope to be some day. She's another friend that I've had for almost 14 years and regardless of how life gets in the way, I know that I can count on her when I need both spiritual and moral support. :)
I feel so blessed to have some awesome women in my life. I love the diversity that my friends have to offer. I have friends who don't like each other, friends who don't know one another, co-worker friends, and friends who are both old and new. I'm not usually a mushy person, but I really felt compelled to share a thing or two about the friends that I cherish so much.
Thanks for being you. :)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Fairest One of All...
"Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" - The Wicked Queen
The story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is supposed to be just a fairy tale, but there is one theme in particular that is a harsh reality....
Haterism.
I've thought long and hard about a more mature term for "being a hater", but I just couldn't think of one. "Hater" pretty much sums it up. And that is what that almost all of the Disney Princess movies were all about.
Unsolicited Haterism.
The Wicked Queen didn't like Snow White because according to the magic mirror, she was "the fairest one of all". And in real life, this same "haterism" holds true.
Some little girls/young ladies/grown women/old ladies are simply compelled to attack others for no good reason at all.
I can only speculate, but perhaps talking down about people and what they have makes the hater feel better about themselves. I don't know why it happens, but it does.
Why must there always be competition to see who is better?
I mean, what is "better" anyway? The true criteria eludes me, but pop culture tells us that "better" means prettier, smarter, richer, and so forth. Oh...and having bigger boobs, of course!
The story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is supposed to be just a fairy tale, but there is one theme in particular that is a harsh reality....
Haterism.
I've thought long and hard about a more mature term for "being a hater", but I just couldn't think of one. "Hater" pretty much sums it up. And that is what that almost all of the Disney Princess movies were all about.
Unsolicited Haterism.
The Wicked Queen didn't like Snow White because according to the magic mirror, she was "the fairest one of all". And in real life, this same "haterism" holds true.
Some little girls/young ladies/grown women/old ladies are simply compelled to attack others for no good reason at all.
I can only speculate, but perhaps talking down about people and what they have makes the hater feel better about themselves. I don't know why it happens, but it does.
Why must there always be competition to see who is better?
I mean, what is "better" anyway? The true criteria eludes me, but pop culture tells us that "better" means prettier, smarter, richer, and so forth. Oh...and having bigger boobs, of course!
At the end of the day beauty is in the eye of the beholder, being intellectual doesn't necessarily mean that your actions make sense, money isn't everything, and boobs are HIGHLY overrated. Or perhaps I'm guilty of being a hater for feeling this way...Lol!
You've heard the phrase "Nice guys finish last", right?
If real life were anything like the Disney Princess movies, then "nice guys" would always win. And that my friends is why these stories are called fairy tales. Being a good guy doesn't mean that you're always going to triumph over your "Wicked Queen" and live happily ever after.
You can't suddenly sprout boobs or win the lotto so you can "win". There is an antagonist in all of our lives. It could be your boss, co-worker, in-laws, parents, siblings, extended family, or even your friend. (Lol...or should I say "frenemy"?)
So, who is your Disney villain?
I suppose one thing that holds true is the fact that we all have someone who makes our lives miserable from time to time. We all also realize that there is no such thing as "living happily ever after". I know I sound cynical, but the story of our lives are ever-evolving -- personal goals change, villians change, definitions of "happily ever after" can change.
I suppose the best way to deal with being a "Disney Princess" under attack is to roll with the punches. Ignore the competitive bullsh*t. And above all, take any "haterism" with a grain of salt. There have been a few negative things said about my daughter and I am learning that I need to heed my own advice.
Who cares who's the fairest one of all?
Sometimes you win some and you lose some, but don't ever let the Wicked Queen get ahold of your spirit.
Monday, February 1, 2010
February...
I hate this month. Even though I have a lot to look forward to this month...
The 6th anniversary of the day John proposed to me - 2/14/10 (I'll write about that later.)
Niki's 1st Birthday - 2/16/10...there are things that I dread about this month, too.
Ethan's 2nd Birthday is on 2/20/10.
His death anniversary is on 2/27/10
He would have been entering his Terrible Twos, but instead it's just plain terrible that he isn't here in my arms.
Ethan's 2nd Birthday is on 2/20/10.
His death anniversary is on 2/27/10
He would have been entering his Terrible Twos, but instead it's just plain terrible that he isn't here in my arms.
If I had a dollar for every time I typed that phrase I'd be rich. I'm sensitive around this time of year. Last year I was distracted by Niki's arrival, diagnosis, impending surgery, and hospital stay so I couldn't FULLY absorb his 1st birthday and death anniversary.
I think my heart is making up for lost time.
I feel so....heavy. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, but losing him STILL hurts like hell! Those dates mean so much more to me than snow season and party time. I've been invited to FOUR huge events that all fall on the 20th or the 27th and all I can think of is Ethan. I just can't find it in me to let it go. I didn't even want to plan Niki's party on those dates! The only reason why I even considered it was because John. I can't find it in me to let go. And why should I?
Would you?
I've been told so many times before...
Let it go. Let him rest. No more sadness. You have your daughter now. Just don't think about it. He was just a baby so it's okay. At least he was a baby.
F*ck that!
Yes, he was "just a baby", but tell me how you would feel if your baby died after one week. Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.
I think my heart is making up for lost time.
I feel so....heavy. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, but losing him STILL hurts like hell! Those dates mean so much more to me than snow season and party time. I've been invited to FOUR huge events that all fall on the 20th or the 27th and all I can think of is Ethan. I just can't find it in me to let it go. I didn't even want to plan Niki's party on those dates! The only reason why I even considered it was because John. I can't find it in me to let go. And why should I?
Would you?
I've been told so many times before...
Let it go. Let him rest. No more sadness. You have your daughter now. Just don't think about it. He was just a baby so it's okay. At least he was a baby.
F*ck that!
Yes, he was "just a baby", but tell me how you would feel if your baby died after one week. Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.
Sometimes I am so tempted to tell people what I really think, but I always hold back because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I want to tell them that I think they're stupid assh*les for believing that Ethan's death was okay or not as hurtful because he was just a baby. I want to tell them to shut the hell up because they don't know sh*t, but instead I just smile and nod.
And then later I'll cry and wonder why some people can be so insensitive.
Even though Niki was born this month, it doesn't change the fact that Ethan died this month. February is bittersweet. I think it will always be that way.
And then later I'll cry and wonder why some people can be so insensitive.
Even though Niki was born this month, it doesn't change the fact that Ethan died this month. February is bittersweet. I think it will always be that way.
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