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Monday, February 1, 2010


I hate this month. Even though I have a lot to look forward to this month...

Niki's Royal Tea Party - 2/13/10
The 6th anniversary of the day John proposed to me - 2/14/10 (I'll write about that later.)
Niki's 1st Birthday - 2/16/10

...there are things that I dread about this month, too.

Ethan's 2nd Birthday is on 2/20/10.
His death anniversary is on 2/27/10

He would have been entering his Terrible Twos, but instead it's just plain terrible that he isn't here in my arms.

I miss him.

If I had a dollar for every time I typed that phrase I'd be rich. I'm sensitive around this time of year. Last year I was distracted by Niki's arrival, diagnosis, impending surgery, and hospital stay so I couldn't FULLY absorb his 1st birthday and death anniversary.

I think my heart is making up for lost time.

I feel so....heavy. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, but losing him STILL hurts like hell! Those dates mean so much more to me than snow season and party time. I've been invited to FOUR huge events that all fall on the 20th or the 27th and all I can think of is Ethan. I just can't find it in me to let it go. I didn't even want to plan Niki's party on those dates! The only reason why I even considered it was because John. I can't find it in me to let go. And why should I?

Would you?

I've been told so many times before...

Let it go. Let him rest. No more sadness. You have your daughter now. Just don't think about it. He was just a baby so it's okay. At least he was a baby.

F*ck that!

Yes, he was "just a baby", but tell me how you would feel if your baby died after one week. Take a moment to put yourself in my shoes.

It sucks, huh?

Sometimes I am so tempted to tell people what I really think, but I always hold back because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I want to tell them that I think they're stupid assh*les for believing that Ethan's death was okay or not as hurtful because he was just a baby. I want to tell them to shut the hell up because they don't know sh*t, but instead I just smile and nod.

And then later I'll cry and wonder why some people can be so insensitive.

Even though Niki was born this month, it doesn't change the fact that Ethan died this month. February is bittersweet. I think it will always be that way.

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