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Monday, June 22, 2009

Bad Day...

Babies shouldn't die.

It seems to me like the Internet is filled with parents who have sick or dying babies. Or worse...babies who have already passed.

I missed my son today. I miss him every day, but today was not good. All it takes is one reminder and I am right back to the day Ethan passed. I'm still bleeding inside despite all of the distractions laid before me. Losing Ethan made me terrified of losing another child and I don't think I can handle that again. I hope and pray that my children will outlive me and not the other way around.

It hurts my heart whenever I remember how much Ethan went through. How afraid he must have been. How much pain he was feeling. Sometimes I lay awake and wonder why I couldn't save him. I hate when the house quiets down and I am the only one awake. I hate being alone with my thoughts.

Grief has left a feeling of vastness around me. No matter how much I try to cradle myself, my back still feels open to the world. I have many arms to embrace me, but Ethan's embrace is what I need right now. Lord, please help me overcome this feeling of despair!

I'd give anything to dream of him if only for one night.

1 comment:

  1. sweetie...although my silence is from a different source. i definitely feel your pain. the no worries quote won't help here, but i'm so glad you are letting it out. my arms are one of the many arms that will cradle you when you need a hug just for comfort. maybe i can visit you today. i need to pack up some more stuff, but i can come by after if you like. love you. don't forget that. you are stronger for letting your feelings out. it takes courage to let people inside to take even just a peek at your heart.