Silence...

The most painful thing that I have experienced in the past year is the silence that surrounds Ethan’s existence. I haven’t heard anyone utter his name in a while. The “how are you dealing?” questions have completely dissipated. Yes, it’s been 16 months, but it still hurts. I still think about how he would have been walking and talking by now. It’s almost as if he wasn’t here until I bring him back into existence. These days when I do mention my son, no matter what the subject is about, the tone of the conversation shifts to uneasiness.

Awkwardness ensues and life sucks all over again.

I don’t always mention sad things either. Sometimes I just mention how cute he was…IS and all I get is an awkward body shift and a quick response. I suppose it is because people just don’t know what to say. And, I can totally understand that. The biggest woe I’ve heard from other grieving parents is the fact that people DON’T mention their child. This is not an uncommon occurrence so I’m not too upset over it. I just hate that the mere utterance of his name directs people’s attention to the fact that he's gone, not to the random moment I am sharing.

He was HERE, but I still feel like a crazy person for bringing up his name.

I ALWAYS feel bad for making people uncomfortable whenever I talk about my “child that passed away”. I equally hate thinking of terminology that WON'T make people feel uneasy when I talk about him.

Sometimes, I just want to talk about my kid.

I realize that people are unsure of what my current state of mind is. Silence is to be expected, but it still really sucks. Perhaps people don’t want to make me sad so they avoid mentioning his name. Or maybe people simply think I’ve got bigger fish to fry now that Niki is living with the very same diagnosis that took Ethan’s life. Whatever the case may be, I just want to make it clear that talking or asking about Ethan isn’t going to hurt me.

It's the silence that does.

I’m not saying that I want to talk about him ALL the time. I’m just saying that I don’t want to ignore the fact that he was alive...even if it was ONLY for a week. So, please acknowledge him every so often. I know he’s gone and there isn’t much to say, but he was still here.

I miss him, ya know? But...I miss him even more when I feel like people don't feel comfortable acknowledging his existence. No more silence, please! I already think of him often anyway. So let’s just end all of the speculation, shall we? If you’ve ever caught me daydreaming, I can guarantee 99% of the time I’m thinking of him. I miss everything about him. Yes, I cry when I hear certain songs at church. Yes, I grieve for every missed milestone that I witness my “living” children pass. But…please don’t avoid mentioning him because you don’t want to hurt me.

I hurt enough.

I don’t care if it’s a memory of him in the NICU or the day that he passed, share it with me! Seriously, please do. I need some new memories of my boy.

Talking about him makes me feel better. :)