I just went back and read my post from yesterday afternoon and....WOW. It was totally not like me to be so upfront about my feelings. However, I feel so much better now that it's off my chest. Some of those things have been bugging me for years. I must say that was the most therapeutic entry that I've written in a while.
Anything beats a long update post, huh?
I know that particular entry struck a chord with a few people because I had a lot of in-basket messages today. And, for those of you that approached me (whether directly or indirectly), I know it took a lot of cojones to do that.
So, I commend you. (LOL...but I'm still not telling which one of you are "guilty".)
No matter how much a person can piss me off or hurt my feelings, I'm a softy. Ultimately I just want to have a peaceful existence, ya know? I don't want anyone talking about me, my family, or my cubs. I'm no stranger to the not-so-nice things that people have said about us. My first reaction is to get mad and think "Well, f*ck 'em all then", but at the end of the day that's just not me.
I care what people say.
If someone directs negativity toward me or my family, I mentally dissect it so I can figure out why. It's hard for me to let go. As far as I'm concerned, my "wouldn't-say-boo-to-a-goose mentality" means that I've never *intentionally* done anything to hurt anyone. And if you beg to differ, please let me know because I don't want to be a hypocrite. I like to learn from my mistakes. I've thought long and hard about why people do hurtful sh*t when life is so short. Sometimes, people do or say things that they don't realize will be hurtful to others. I believe in the goodness of man and I like to think that people aren't intentionally malicious.
With the exception of the people that have intentionally said some insensitive things about Niki. May God have mercy on your soul.
Nevertheless I've forgiven, but not wholeheartedly. And I say this because honesty is the best policy. Lord knows I want to completely forgive, but it's hard. Hurt can last forever no matter how much you want it to go away. Some things can't be taken back or manipulated to make it better. Despite everything -- regardless of all the "hurt"-- I still treat people the way I want to be treated in hopes that I'll have some reciprocity.
And maybe one day that reciprocated consideration can blossom into genuine friendship.
Take this post as a simple reminder whenever you feel the urge to be unkind to not just me, but anyone in your life. Lord knows that people don't want to be mean, but things like jealousy, past grudges, insecurity, or even envy get in the way. Do unto others as you want others to do unto you. If I haven't done anything unkind to you, then please don't be unkind to me. In my life, some people have forgotten all about the Golden Rule.
It's simple, but often forgotten in all aspects of our lives.
I feel relieved now that my feelings are out in the open, but at the same time I feel...nude. I'm mentally nude right now people!!! This is uncomfortable for me because not too many people are allowed to see this side of me. I feel fine being in my "birthday suit" when I'm showering alone or in the --ahem-- intimate company of my "Honey Bunches of Oats", but I'm sure as hell NOT signing up for a "mental nudist colony" any time soon. Nudity ain't always pretty, but we should all try it once in a while. I've said my piece and I'm leaving it at that.
Now quick, someone get me a towel so I can cover up!!! :)