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Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm Knocked Up...

If you're a woman of child-bearing age, chances are you've taken a pregnancy test before. (I know I've taken about a bazillon.) 

This is now my 6th positive pregnancy test.

When my monthly visitor didn't arrive as scheduled, I figured that stressing off of my final project was the culprit. I really didn't think I was pregnant. Nevertheless, I couldn't wait for Aunt Flow to make her grand entrance any longer so I opted to purchase a pregnancy test on my way to the final day of training. (5/23/10) I *thought* this particular purchase would be a waste of money too! I was even mildly irritated with the fact that I spent $21 on a pack of two stinking pregnancy tests. However, I figured that I could put the second test to good use some other time. Fuck, was I wrong.

Clearly, I have no use for the second test now. Any takers? 

I damn near fainted when my hCG-laced urine slowly crept across the result window and turned both lines pink. It was break time and the restroom was filled with people from my class so I had to keep my cool. I walked out that restroom with the now-positive pregnancy test discreetly burning a hole in my pocket. I was stunned. However, the expletive "mother-f*cking-sh*t-a**hole-ballsack" comes to mind when I try to think of the best way to describe exactly how I felt when I found out that I was pregnant.

Yeah yeah, I know...I've had hella kids and I use NFP  for birth control so why am I surprised right?

Let me explain something to ya'll. I've only had three "surprise pregnancies" out of the six I've experienced so far. Honest-to-God.

1. The First Cub "Dylan"  (I was an ignorant high schooler.)
2. Ethan ('cause I was on the pill)
3. My womb's latest inhabitant ('cause dude, I was supposed to get married this year!)

Kevin was totally planned. Anthony was totally planned because we wanted our kids two years apart. And Niki, we'll we were grieving. Nothing makes you feel more connected to your partner during times of despair than physical closeness. (More on that some other time.)

"Fireball 2" (Boo's nickname of unknown origin for this baby) is right on target with my I-get-pregnant-every-two-years-theory.

1. Dylan (2000)
2. Kevin (2002)
3. Anthony (2004)
4. Ethan (2007) - Off-schedule because I was trying to tolerate the pill. Should have been 2006.
5. Annika (2008) - on schedule
6. "Fireball 2" (2010) - also, on schedule

John called it too. He always knows that I'm pregnant before I do. A few weeks earlier, when my mom was sick in the hospital and I acted liked a weepy-fool, he looked at me and said, "Oh God, you're pregnant, aren't you?"

Of course, I stopped sniffling and hurriedly responded, "No! Impossible."

Fuck, was I wrong. Less than two weeks later and he was right -- I am pregnant. I kept my secret all day long until I couldn't hold it any longer. Actually, I told a room full of "strangers" at SFSI before I even told John. I'm THAT comfortable talking about my sexuality now. We had to go around in a circle and share with the class "what has changed for you as a result of this training" and I told everyone that I got knocked up. Oh, and that I learned a lot about my own sex life too! I've only been intimate with John. (Yep, same penis for the past 12 years.)

Let's just say that my Sex Educator training did some "rekindling" on the wrong day.

Also? I blame my friend G at work too. Perhaps you've heard about "menstrual synchrony" before? Well, G and her alpha-uterus caused my visit from Aunt Flow to come early in April. I'll spare you the boring technicalities of how NFP works, but basically I counted wrong. I should have counted from when I would've normally gotten my period as opposed to counting when I got my outlier cycle. So, my days were totally off for the month of May.

I abstained on the wrong days!

Shortly after I found out that I was pregnant (on the next class break), I did some recalculating on my iPhone app in a feeble attempt to figure out what went wrong.  I reentered the data to reflect when I should have gotten my period (at my usual 31 days) and saw that I was the most fertile a few training weekends back! I remember that particular "moment" too.

Stupid class. Stupid libido. Stupid menstrual synchrony. Stupid iPhone.

I figured I would tell John in person because I wanted to see his face. Fireball 2 completely derailed our plans, but nevertheless I knew that God gave us this gift for a reason. I was terrified, but I had aaalllll day to come to terms with the news. After I got off from school, I made a run to the same Safeway were I purchased to $21 pregnancy test. I scoured the floral section and found a stuffed lion that would work perfectly for presenting my positive-pee-stick. Go figure, huh? Then I took the test, placed in around the lion's neck, and popped it in a bag so I could give it to John.

All I could do was hope for the best.

When I got home from training that day, I told John that I had a surprise for him, but I wanted to go out to dinner first. Of course, the damn pervert thought that I got some sort of sex toy from school. John was clearly interested and on our way to dinner, he played 20 questions to figure out what was inside of the bag. He got so excited to open his "gift" that he pulled over. I whipped out my camera phone and snapped this picture as he opened the bag:

A picture says a thousand words, doesn't it?
He was saying, "Oh." Lol!
The "Lion of Doom"

After his initial shock subsided, we discussed all that this pregnancy will come with. There was no fairy tale "oh-honey-I-love-you-so-much" moment. I'm overjoyed with Fireball 2, but these are scary times too. A lot can happen with this pregnancy. At the end of our lengthy discussion we came to the conclusion that we're both okay with whatever our Higher Power decides is best for our family.

I can't wait to know what it really feels like to tame four little lions.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I absolutely LOVE this blog (Plus along with it came good news!) Love your writing style the best in this blog. AND, yayy! A new baby cousin :) Love you!

  3. Yay, glad you liked it. :)
    It motivates me to write more when I hear what people think about my entries. More coming soon. Thanks for your comment, Bubbs!

    P.S. Your comment got entered twice on accident so I deleted the duplicate.