Search This Blog

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dark Thoughts?

I'm about to disclose some pretty morbid sh*t so bare with me....

I look forward to death.

Now, before you think I need some sort of intervention, please hear me out....okay? I don't want to die NOW (OBVIOUSLY I know that I'm needed here on Earth), but if I were to die to tomorrow, I'd be totally fine with it.

Does that sound crazy?

Probably. Okay, it does sound crazy, but this is my blog and I'll write what I want. I'm really trying to express myself in a "not crazy" kind of way, but it's hard to do. Death is taboo and not too many people (unless they are suicidal--which I'm NOT) "look forward" to dying.

But yeah...I'm totally okay with death. Remember this blog entry when I'm gone. ;-P

I've had some pretty close calls with death. My asthma is NO JOKE so it's entirely possible for me to die from a bad attack. (And, if you're reading this post you're probably one of the "lucky" few people that saw me in the ICU on the ventilator looking like the Incredible Hulk after my lung collapsed. P.S. Thanks for not taking black mail pictures!) I wasn't always okay with dying. After I had that close call, I was down right terrified of the possibility of dying early.

I don't want no other b*tch raising my cubs!

But...after Ethan died, I realized that I would be totally at peace whenever it was my time to go. (Even with the possibility of some other b*tch taming my cubs...Lol!) Of course, by the grace of God, I hope and pray that won't be kicking the bucket any time soon. Frankly, I'm too young to die and I haven't gone to Confession in years so I'd probably go straight to hell...or purgatory.

But...if it were to happen early (like tomorrow), just know that I'd be laughing my ass off at the irony of this post if I was struck by lightening or die from an asthma attack.

Yeah, my sense of humor is f*cked up like that. But...all joking aside, losing someone you love really tests your beliefs. And, I didn't wholeheartedly believe in the concept of Heaven until my son was waiting for me there. I didn't truly feel God's presence until the day before Ethan's viewing. John and I both felt Him (His power "rushed" inside of us) as the Priest prayed over us. He was praying for our strength and God gave it to us. It was at that very moment that I knew "100 x infinity%" that God was is real and my son is in Heaven with Him.

I soooooo hope I can get it in!

To state it simply, I look forward to dying because I just want to see my baby again. I was looking through his things the other day when I found a lock of his hair. I pressed his soft strands against my face and "felt" my son after almost two years.

I missed him desperately.

I want to feel his skin next to mine. I want to feel his weight in my arms, his sweet breath on my face. I just wish he and I could be together again. So it this a little morbid for me to look forward to dying? Yes.

But...have I redeemed my public sanity yet?


Outliving your baby makes you a little crazy anyway so I don't care. It's my blog, my therapy so I write what I want.

No comments:

Post a Comment