Search This Blog

Friday, May 8, 2009


I often drive on auto-pilot. It's a miracle I make it to my destination in one piece! My body simply takes over when my mind begins to wander. More often than not, I think about Ethan when it is just me and silence.

Oh, silence is my enemy.

My memory is so vivid, it hurts. Flashes of anguish appear before my eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have no control over it; it's like breathing. I only snap back into reality when I begin to feel the all familiar sting in my eyes - the sting of tears starting to fall.

I really should be paying attention to the road.

I'm beginning to dread the start of my long commute to and from school. That will be five days a week of total silence - just me and my thoughts. Not even Catholic radio can distract me long enough! I sometimes glaze over and just remember my baby. Remembering hurts. Then again, I shouldn't limit this auto-pilot thing to just driving. I'm starting to feel like Adam Sandler in Click

Oh, I remember all the time! Just earlier today, as my kids were taking a bubble bath with their baby cousin, I thought:

So that's how my tub would have looked like if Ethan were here. That is what three boys in my bathtub would have looked like.

An instantly, a fun moment was turned into a solemn one. I didn't realize I said it out loud until my sister echoed my "thoughts". I've been doing that a lot lately. One minute I'm happy and the next I...remember. Remembering doesn't make me sad, it just makes me hurt. Does that even make sense? I guess I just miss him today, that's all. Well....I miss him everyday, but today just stood out a little more.

Or maybe my auto-pilot just went off.

For Niki:
FVII Deficiency
Factor VII Deficiency
Factor 7 Deficiency
Factor VII Deficient
If you have this rare bleeding disorder, please message me! My daughter has it too and you are not alone!

1 comment:

  1. hey babe...i know it still hurts and it always will. but you are hanging in there and that's what matters. i love you!