I dread getting started on my spring cleaning this year.
There is SO much to do and frankly, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps it's because this year's "spring cleaning" is actually "preparing to move cleaning". I despise it even more this year because reality is beginning to set in. We're leaving our happy home soon.
In just a few short months my home, with all of it's memories and sentimental value, will be occupied by strangers. They will never love this place as much as I did. It's just not possible. We were the first occupants after it was built so I know where every beautiful ding, mar, and scratch came from. My babies showed their love everywhere. ;-)
But alas, this house is getting too tiny for our growing family. Oh woe is me! A love lost is never easy and I LOVE my home. I really don't want to leave even though I know it's in our best interest to do so. I'm going to be in school full time soon and we need to economize our family budget. Besides, the kids are growing up. We need more space and Niki needs her own room! Or at least that's what I keep telling myself to soften the blow.
But still...breaking up is hard to do.
I often get attached to a lot of inanimate things. Or rather, I don't welcome change with open arms. I desperately cling to pieces of the past. EVERYTHING holds sentimental value to me. I'm not a pack-rat. I'm a schmuck and I have difficulty letting go of things. But hey, that's my trademark so don't go there.
Which is why my beloved deceased Jeepny still collects dust in its parking space. Which is why the infamous Ruff (the stuffed dog I've had since I was Kevie's age) still sits in my closet. Which is why I have boxes and boxes of little scraps of memories lovingly stored away. Which is why I can't bear to part with the clothes Ethan wore. Which is why I've held onto the boys' baby clothes. Which is why I still have Kev's Elmo collection. Which is why I still have the red glittered ball we purchased for Anthony on his first birthday.
Oh, if only I could box up this house and take it with me! Maybe a piece of the rug will do? Or maybe I'll just keep one key...
Bah, I just can't move on!!! I'm procrastinating by blogging about cleaning instead of really getting down to business. I loathe having to pick and choose what to toss and keep. I haven't had to before since space was never an issue. It's hard to choose when every bit and piece holds a memory for me. It's even harder because I know I'm going to bawl like a baby when we finally do leave this place - when all of my treasures have to go back in to storage. I can stall though, can't I?!
What seems like trash is treasure to me. When I am forced to downsize on my "trash", I mildly comfort myself with the plausibility that someone else will cherish it as much as I did. It'll take some time, but I know it has to be done.
The junky old jeep sitting in the parking space? It's really the car I took my kids home in. It was John's first car and our first family car. LOTS of memories in that Jeep. I love my Jeepny!!! Even though it's been replaced by an awesome murdered out SUV, I will love it always. I want the old girl to go to a good home. BTW -anyone know of any good charities?
The raggedy stuffed animal sitting in the closet? Well, Ruff is my childhood! He still has a blood stain on his left ear from when I cut myself on accident. Ruff's ear stopped the bleeding and I used toilet paper to bandage myself. In an effort to hide my injury, I told my mom we were playing pirates when she saw the both of us wrapped in Charmin. I was five, okay?! I still have the scar on my palm... I've obviously outgrown stuffed animals, but Ruff is being buried with me when I die. :-)
The box-o-crap filled to the brim with old movie stubs, dead flowers, concert tickets, birthday cards, stickers, ribbons and squares of wrapping paper? It's really the story of our lives. Movies John and I saw during our youth, dried roses from proms/anniversaries/a marriage proposal, concerts we saw before we procreated, cards we've been given or gave each other, and mementos from birthday parties. These are all pieces of the life John and I have built together. A collection of real life items from our past. You should see the stuff I have from the old skool! Someday, when time is on my side, I'll scrapbook these little bits of memories. Someday...
The box of dirty baby clothes? That is all that is left of my "earthly son". Ethan is gone. His soul is in heaven, his little body has been returned to the ground, his smell is all I have. Aside from his legacy, that is all my baby left behind.
The other box of baby clothes, elmos, and the glittered ball - the stuff I should have donated years ago? Those are what's left of my babies and their disappearing childhood. My little lions are growing rapidly and in a blink of an eye, they'll be grown with children of their own. Maybe, just maybe, one day my grown babies will look at these tiny trinkets of their youth and remember just how lovely their innocence once was. Maybe they will realize just how much they've grown and how far they've come.
So do you see why I'm procrastinating on saying goodbye to my space and all of the memories stored? I don't want to downsize on my treasures, because it means I'm downsizing on my life! I can't bear to leave this house which is why I don't want to "spring clean". I've never had to do this before. Ever.
I know that the chips on the baseboard were made by Anthony running into the walls with his blue motorcycle. He'll outgrow that motorcycle soon, but those dents are here to stay. The smudges on the sides on the door panels? Those are my Kevie's fingerprints! His hands will never be that small again and I've kept them there to remind myself of how fast he's growing. The door to our house? That's the threshold Ethan and Niki were carried over the first time. That's the door John and I closed behind us. When it was just he and I behind that door, we knew 1201 was the unit we wanted. It was the closed door to unit 1201 that felt the most like home. Each room holds a memory. Even the bedroom. ;-) That's where we hit one-in-a-million, twice! Ethan and Niki were created here.
The new owners will never love this house as much as I do. I can't reiterate this enough. I've probably said it a thousand times, but I mean it! It's just not physically possible for another family to appreciate this place like we did. And this may sound crazy but, I like to think that these walls will weep along with me when we finally leave our home.
I'm pretty sure this place loved us too.
So here it is...for Niki:
Factor VII Deficiency
Factor 7 Deficiency
If you have this rare bleeding disorder, message me please! My daughter has it too and you are not alone.