I was at work, sifting through some old e-mails, when I came across pictures that my neice "D" sent me a few months after Ethan passed away. The photos were taken the day we took him to the emergency room. There were a lot of people visiting him that night (after he already had the bleed), and no one thought anything was odd. He was alert and responding to people, but Ethan just felt...tense. Hell, the emergency room doctor tried to send us home that night. So, perhaps it was impossible for anyone to know what was happening to Ethan at first glance. '
Or at least, that's what I tell myself to make my heart hurt less...
I wish I could say that staring at those pictures made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, but they didn't. I felt like shit because I had pictures and NOT him. I don't give a care what anyone thinks..I am not "over" it. Yes, he was a baby -- but he was MY baby -- how would you feel if you were me? Like really....let it sink in for a moment. I'm going to ask again -- how would you feel if your baby died one week after he/she was born?
I rest my case.
You would be surprised how many people told John and I that we should be glad that Ethan was "just a baby" when he died. Ha! As if we couldn't possibly emotionally attached to him after "only one week!" Like they thought it hurt less to lose Ethan because he wasn't older! Since when does love have to grow stronger when it comes to your children? I know people probably meant well when they tried to "console" me with those words, but frankly, that whole experience taught me that people are stupid.
I'm mad today, can you tell?
I'm mad at how horridly unfair this is. I'm mad at the ER doctor for making me feel foolish that night, and showing remorse in the NICU later. I'm mad at myself for ignoring my instincts. I'm mad at all of the stupid shit that John and I encountered while Ethan died. And after Ethan died! Sometimes I wish I could just post a whole expose about all the uneccesary stress we had to deal with, but really...what good is that going to do? It's not going to change what already happened. And, it's certainly not going to bring Ethan back.
No, those blog entries will stay private forever.
I write about almost everything on this blog -- but there are some things that need to stay locked away. I simply needed to cleanse my soul and write to get this ugly feeling out of my heart. Bare with me, I promise to be in a better mood the next time I post.
Staring at this picture always makes me feel better.
His smile will make me smile.