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Monday, July 12, 2010

A Mother Can Only Worry and Hope...

I'm here in the hospital unable to sleep because I have so much on my mind. Saturday was a such a beautiful day, but today is ugly. And yesterday (Sunday) was ugly. And the rest of the week will be ugly. I've tried to will positivity in my mind, but it's impossible to do when my heart is so weary. All I've been able to do for the past few days, hours, minutes, seconds, is worry and hope.

Worry that everything is going to go wrong and hope to God that nothing does.

Niki's surgery is in a few hours. She's sleeping peacefully now, but she hasn't had anything to eat since midnight. My daughter loves her midnight "snack" and tonight we weren't able to give her one. She wasn't happy at all. She was admitted shortly after 6:30pm yesterday and things started off on a good foot.

For starters, we didn't have a roomie. Also, her nurse "K" just so happened to be a former hemophilia nurse at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital. She even knew Dr. MJ -- the Hematologist from Stanford that was so interested in Niki's case when I reconnected with him at the NHF conference. In fact, Nurse K used to be a hemophilia camp counselor before she recently left LPCH to join Kaiser! It was a blessing to have her as our nurse because she was so heavily knowledgeable in port surgery and hemophilia.

Niki loved "Nurse K" and even her male night shift nurse, "JH" -- she was playing, blowing kisses, and even talking to them.

At around 9:30 or so, we got roomies and our privacy went out the drain. We started off with a nice, large private room with a view and then got two curtains, a small pull-out chair, and a wall-mounted TV. If that wasn't bad enough, then....she got hungry. We tried out best to keep her up until midnight to feed her tons of food and even made her drink Pediasure to keep her fuller for longer, but it didn't seem to work.

There's nothing worse than watching your baby cry and being unable to feed them.

Last night reminded me a lot of how I felt when Niki had her first two surgeries when she first born. My hormones were high and I was sobbing because I just wanted to feed my baby -- she was crying and all I could do was cry with her. If anything, it was harder back then because of her newborn feeding schedule. I remember that I kept thinking about how much anguish mothers in some developing countries must feel when they are unable to feed their hungry babies. It made me cry even more.

And it made me feel guilty for crying because I was such a spoiled twit. Here I was, crying because I couldn't feed my baby for a few stinking hours and some mothers can't feed their babies at all!

Now, I'm right back to being that sobbing mother because I can't feed my daughter...again. And, I still feel terrible about mothers who don't have the resources to feed their babies. We really are very lucky to have the things we have and I should be ashamed of myself for still being a spoiled twit.

I keep telling myself to snap out of it...

Quit your whining, Tiffany! It's not that serious. Niki's not going to die just because she can't be a heffer and eat her precious midnight snack. At least you have health insurance and food on your plate!

...but, my hardcore mental pep talks haven't been doing jack shit to calm me down. I'm still worrying about her grumbly tummy, our lack of privacy, and the fact that she's going to in utter and complete pain in a few short hours.

What's worse?

I miss my boys already. Today is Boo's 1st day of Kinder Readiness and I'm missing it. John is going to go home to take him to his first day of school, but I feel like the shittiest mother alive for NOT being there for such a pivotal moment in his life. Boo cried when we gave him our standard "Niki is going to the hospital, but we'll be back in a few days" pep talk. I can only hope that he'll understand, but he doesn't right now. Boo wants what he wants and yesterday, Boo wanted us to stay home.

This is the same child that looks up at me and asks why I didn't give Ethan factor. The same child that asks me what God looks like. The same child that has deeply affected by his brother's passing and his sister's illness.

And I couldn't be there for him.

** My MIL took this picture of him this morning before he went to school. I just saw it and it made me sad. :( Added it so you could all see how grown my Boo-Boo is getting. **

It feels like shit to be pulled in so many directions. To be torn to go so many ways. Sometimes, my heart feels ripped to shreds. And, all I can do is worry that Boo won't feel like I left him behind for his sister. He's growing up fast -- already "too cool" to hug and kiss his Mama -- and moments like these make me feel like I'm slowly letting his childhood slip out of my grasp....

It's now 7:02 am and Nurse JH just told me that Niki's going to surgery in the next 15 minutes. I'll come back to this post later. Off to worry and hope some more....

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